If you’re on this website, I genuinely feel for you.
If you’re suicidal, I genuinely feel for you.
I never used to when I first came here, a long time ago now. But I do now.
I know what that pit feels like. It’s very cold, and small and absolutely terrifying. And when you’re in it, that fear is very real. That’s the thing normal people don’t get, the thought of suicide to a suicidal person, 9 times out of 10, is absolutely terrifying.
Pain can’t be measured on a scale.
Suicides can’t be ranked.
A death should never become just another number.
But hell, what do I know? I’m technically still a teenager. The things I’ve gone through are nothing compared to the dozens of stories I read here a day.
With the greatest of respect, I am surprised so many of you are still alive. If half of your stories are true, you have suffered the most unimaginable agony I can bear to read.
But that’s the thing, pain can’t truly be compared. So I have no more right to say that you should have killed yourself from what you’ve gone through, than you do of saying I shouldn’t because my pain is nothing.
So when I tell you I spend my days waking up at whatever hour I want, watching TV and playing games all day, walking my dog in the evening and chatting to friends online, you reply with; Your life is great, you have everything, there’s no reason for you to want to die.
All I can reply is; Fuck you. Sure I’m a privileged, spoilt little white boy who wants for nothing, but this isn’t how I imagined my life. This isn’t how things were. I get that life changes. Sometimes life deals you a crappy hand and you just have to play through. But what about when the deck gets reshuffled and all of the cards are blank? I had a life. I had a house. I had 2 jobs. I had an education. I had a relationship. I had friends. I had a life and a future. Now I just can’t see any of that.
There is no way for me to slip back into that old life.
And I get that people care. My family, friends. But it’s not the same. They’re not asking because they’re interested, they’re asking because they’re scared. I have terrified people and that will never go away. They won’t ever stop fearing for me. So I’ll probably do something that will tear their hearts to shreds. Blow a hole in their lives. But they won’t live with the fear. They will never have to be scared again.
A permanent solution to a temporary problem. How do I know that? Do I just have to keep waiting this storm out, hoping one day it’ll finally pass over? I have been depressed for pretty much every single day since September 2014. I haven’t asked for help because I’m ashamed. I will never ask for help because I don’t want it.
I am pathetic. Rich little white boy. Boo hoo.
Grow up.
2 comments
I agree with you 100 percent matt. You really can’t compare one person’s pain with another. I was depressed and suicidal at age 19 and still am at age 51. Things for me have generally just gotten worse and worse over time. I did have some good years in my late 20’s and 30’s but my 40’s and 50’s have been horrible. I don’t see any point in ending it now even though it all seems hopeless. Just trying to hold on the best I can, maybe somehow things will get better although I’m not optimistic. Just try not to think of yourself as pathetic Matt, the cards I’ve been dealt in life haven’t been that bad either. I just manage to fuck up everything I touch.
I’m not rich but I’m certainly not poor. I made this account just to reply to you, and im using my username that I have everywhere. I don’t want to be anonymous. My life was just how you describe yours, playing games, watching random tv shows, maybe some youtube, or streams, and chatting with friends online. I have lived 90% of my life online for the past few years. Unlike you I was satisfied with that, I do not want what others seem to want in life. I don’t care for it, all I want it to simply pass time, and I did that the best via games. Now for reasons beyond my control I have to grow up be like everyone else, recently got a second job, so I don’t have time to game as much anymore. My life is arguably a lot better than the average depressed person, yet I still feel like I don’t belong, that this is not what I want in the end. Waking up every single day to eat, shit, get ready for work, go work and finish working, then come home and have some spare time before falling asleep. Then the cycle repeats. Some people would give a lot to have a simple, ordinary life. I would give a lot to be able to leave this behind, all of if. What’s holding me back then? My family, the few friends I have (lost my irl friends when I dropped out of school), and my girlfriend that wasn’t really planned in any way (long distance never met her but she loves relatively close so it wouldn’t be too hard but I work 7days a week for 6 weeks now). If you’ve ever felt like you just want to disappear, then you know how I feel. Because if I could just somehow slip out of everything make people forget me, then I could finally go. So maybe I’m self sabotaging (won’t go into that just mention it briefly but one thing is the dropping out of school thing) because I want this to have an end. I never saw a future where I grow old, I wanted things to end my way, with no regrets, but now is not my time even if I am ready, because of the people in my life are still just that, in my life.