So my mum’s boyfriend committed suicide last year.
Before he killed himself, I was not talking to him. Not because he did something horrible, he had just told me that I wasn’t helping about my mother’s depression, that he had to do all by himself. I was also already depressed, and I just became so mad that he couldn’t see all what I was doing and all what I was going through, that I just didn’t talk to him for the whole week.
And then, one night I saw him, and the whole thing was like “hello, how are you?”, “she’s waiting for you”. And he had that resigned face that I had never seen in him, but I just didn’t pay attention.
And then the next day he killed himself. And people keep saying how normal he looked, that he didn’t seem depressed at all. But I had seen that face. And I had had this conversation with him which I chose to feel attacked for instead of seeing it as a help demand like now I think it was.
And I keep seeing his face that night. That resigned defeated face.
1 comment
Don’t feel guilty about it-he was probably suicidal for a very long time and couldn’t deal with the pressure. It’s not your fault.
In my case-if one day I do end my life, the last thing I want my family/friends to think is that it was their fault. I’ve thought about it for a long time and finding less reasons to keep living-which isn’t a good thing, because if I do end up facing one of life’s tribulations, I might decide to just give up at that point.
However, I’ve gotten very little out of life that I wanted-esp some of the essential things that make it so worthwhile. It’s like your body, if you don’t get right vitamins and minerals, then you get sick. So life hasn’t given me enough of the good stuff and now I don’t want to really life…but I do since I have hope things will change. I’ve given myself a few years to see if I can turn things around, if not, then I will end it. No point going on when every fkg day is the same and each day sucks shit.
But like I was saying don’t take his death personally-I’m sure it had nothing to do with you, he was probably experiencing a lot a problems and personal turmoil.