hell, I was so happy last year. New flat, new work, old friends, the most amazing boyfriend in my life…and now?
I fear death. Not my own. I can’t bear the thought of surviving while my beloved one doesn’t. I can’t see my beloved die, so I die first. don’t we have the right to choose and push the escape button?
It is so dangerous to love and then fear the death of that loving person.
6 comments
deep,
interesting concept!
I don’t want to see my dad die!
I don’t want to see my mom die! oops she already did! 🙁
I don’t want to see my sister sister die!
I don’t want to see my bother die! oops she already did! 🙁
I think 99% of the reason I’m still here is I don’t want them to see me die, I worried more about hurting them then getting hurt I guess?
yes, thanks, rocketman. I am sorry for your loss and I think you must be really brave and strong to keep being here without them. I have already tried to think the way you do, but it doesn’t work because a few of these people I really care for are strong and prepared for such a loss. I have talked about my fear with my best friend and my partner, but for example, the latter says he would survive my death and makes fun of it; says he has seen so many people die that it is okay for him and that I can come after my death and scare him as a ghost from time to time- as a half-joke. However, he says he is quite sure that he dies first because he is very tired, overworked, a bit older than me and feels like that. I believe him; he would just get over it and be well.
I tried so much, for example, to prepare for inevitable death of my soul mate from my family. I had been preparing for that fact at least 4 years ahead and it didn’t help. It was a terrible shock, nevertheless. The worst thing was that I saw that lovely person 2 months before her death and I didn’t hug her, kiss her or say goodbye. I had a chance to go and see her, but I wasted it. Remorse is still here with me after 4 and 1/2 years. I have only one small photo of her and I kiss the photo sometimes.
That’s why I can’t hold on. But I am trying my best. I tried to care less about the people, love them less, but I am not able to do such things.
anyways, thank you for your thought. take care
correction! he already did!
I think the way you do.i fear it so much ive tried to kill myself many times.i had forgot about it till today my sister says are parents are going to die.its scared me now i can’t stop wanting to die to escape even if its possible ill fail.what will i be without my parents they do everything for me. Im not ecouraging or discouraging suicide i just wanted to let you know your not alone
passionfruit, it’s good to know I am not alone. I have talked about my problem with others, but they don’t seem to bother with such a thought. They live as though they are infinite, not temporary.
I hope you will find a strenght to live.
but it feels the same to me. I can’t stop wanting to die. I wish, I pray, I crave dying first so that I don’t see them die. I know it’s selfish, but I am weak. Or at least, I wish I can die soon; that the Death will come for me when I am still (quite) young and I won’t suffer for too long. I guess, at least, could I die of grief…?
I think the way you do.i fear it so much ive tried to kill myself many times.i had forgot about it till today my sister says are parents are going to die.its scared me now i can’t stop wanting to die to escape even if its possible ill fail.what will i be without my parents they do everything for me. Im not ecouraging or discouraging suicide i just wanted to let you know your not alone