Last October

Last October i did something stupid. I don’t regret it…i just wish it had worked sometimes. I’m fucked. I OD on a shit ton of different pills. I came home one day from school and i didn’t plan it, it just happened. I just didn’t think i could go on anymore. i gathered everything i could get my hands on. Around 430 i took them all. At 5 my sister called my brother and I to have dinner. I started getting light headed and hurried to do the dishes and get back to my room. I quickly wrote a note to a couple friend, which was so hard because my hand was starting to shake and i kept closing my eyes and just when i finished i told i few more pills i found in my room (old medication) and then i passed out on my bed. I didn’t think i was going to wake up. Next thing i remember was it being completely dark in my room and someone opened my door and i pretended not to notice so they would leave, and which they did. That only made me sadder because what if it had worked and i was dead? Would they have even bothered to check on me fully?? whatever. I finally got around to looking at the clock. It was late at night and i didn’t feel good at all. From 12-7 am i was throwing up every hour and the hour. I was so weak and had no energy so i was throwing up on the floor beside my bed. In the morning i was able to get up and clean up the floor and i looked in the mirror in my room, i looked like shit. My tummy caved in from throwing up so much that night. The worse part was after that day. I couldn’t LOOK at pills without getting sick to my stomach. Its been 8 months since then and its gotten better but i still can’t. I feel like when i am successful it wont matter. This time didn’t. I should have gone to that hospital. but instead i lived and stuffed and still continue to suffer.