It was February 20, 2014. Everything was all setup, rope (was seemingly) tight. The chair. The knots were okay. Put the noose over my head… tightened it. Kicking that chair was the hardest thing that I had to do. The feeling was so liberating, I was finally going to be free… one less person for the world to think of. I remember struggling at first, trying to pull myself up, trying to breathe but can’t. It’s not a bright light like they say… it was all just pitch black and quiet. I was at peace in that darkness, I wanted to stay there forever. I was finally free… or so I thought. I was out for quite some time when I was found.
I opened up my eyes, and I was on lying on the ground… people around me. I failed.
Why I did it is a long and complicated story. But I just gave up on myself, I felt useless, I have done as much as I can do with my life. Caused people around me nothing but problems.
Don’t get me wrong, I still plan on doing it. But now I’d have to consider who I am leaving behind and make sure that I don’t cause them a burden when they put me 6 feet under. Or burn me to ashes. Slowly, I’m getting my things in order – so that I leave this world with a clean conscience. And making sure that the people I leave behind is well off.
I’ve been working hard the past year to earn as much money as I can for a fund. I’m out of debt – no red on the ledger. I’ve let go of most of my things, so that cleaning out my place would just be two boxes and a bed. Put the money in investments and other things, that I hope will grow by itself even if I’m gone from this world. I have discussed with a lawyer on my last will, and he knows what to do when I leave. I have left him an SD card to give to my family – it’s a video on why I did it… and I didn’t even look through it – because I looked like a crying mess.
Now, why all the fuss and just not get it over and done with? For weeks after my attempt. I was always told, that I’ll be giving problems for the people that I’ll leave behind, what will happen? Who would be there for them? So, I worked hard the last year – that I’m sure that my departure would have a minimal impact. Just finished paying the memorial chapel on what to do with me. My body or ashes can be thrown in a dumpster for all I care. Bottom line is, I’d want to make it easy on my loved ones and not be a burden to them even until my death.
Where and how I’ll do it next, I am not sure. But I’ll make sure that the same mistake doesn’t happen again. But one thing is for sure, I’ll do a good job. And I’m ready…
To my kids, M (7) and S (1)… Daddy is sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I know you’ll see this page on my laptop’s bookmarks and history and it’s still logged in. M, I leave this with you…
M, I’m sorry for the times that when you saw me and your mom fight. And thank you for getting in between – and stopping us. At such an early age – you had to see that. But, me and your mom loves you so much. This was always between me and your mom. I leave you with a lot of memories on this laptop, from the day you were born. To your first steps… the theme park, the flying club, your first day at school. Your mom and I fell in love so young, only to find out that we aren’t for one another. Love is a decision, not a feeling. Make sure that you are going to end up with someone that will be your partner-in-crime, someone that will help you carry whatever burden you have…
S, my little princess. You won’t even remember me when you grow up. But at least we have a lot of photos together. I’ll be missing a lot – from your first day of school, prom, terrorizing your boyfriends… college. I have always wanted a daughter – and I thought that will change everything . I remember when I first held you in my arms… you are so beautiful. And now you babble and pace around… your smile. How you hold on to me when you carry you… And when you cry out for whatever reason. And I manage to find out what you need… or if you just want to be held. I am not sure what your mom will tell of me. But bottom line is… I love you. You and your brother.
Sorry, that Daddy does not have the strength to carry on. But I have given up, lost hope. And I don’t want you two to grow up in a home where me and your mom are always fighting violently – and hear the hurtful words that are exchanged. I can’t let you grow up in a home like that… But one thing will always be sure… I love you. And I miss you.
To the administrators of the blog. I hope my story gets published, I couldn’t really share this to anyone else. Thank you for reading my story. For those that are reading this – think long and hard on what you are leaving behind and why you are doing it. If it’s so shallow as your boyfriend/girlfriend breaking up with you… or losing your job. Then don’t… But we all have our reasons. In my case, I have tried everything to fix my problem at considerable emotional damage and material expense – but no luck.
(Note: Every nation in the world has divorce laws except the Philippines (though Muslims have the right to divorce))
16 comments
Love *is* a decision – a decision to do what’s best for those you love. Will killing yourself really be best for your children?
They’re better off without me. And it will be peaceful. As compared to a home where almost everyday it’s screaming and fighting.
If you kill yourself, your wife will blame herself and be severely broken for decades. You think your kids will be better off with one broken mother and no father, than with two fighting parents?
Blub, oh – she’d be happy that I’ll be gone. That’s just the truth.
JR, I won’t try to tell you that your life is worth living because you know better than anyone else. You’ve given this a lot of thought. What I will say, though, is that money means nothing to a 7 & 1-year old. The psychological damage this act will inflict upon them at that formative age is akin to taking a razor and slicing their brains up before sewing them shut again and saying have a nice life.
But trust me, I know how it is to be in a hopeless situation, so I’m not saying that by living you’ll accomplish anything other than pain. Here’s my idea, and please give it a lot of thought: Pack up a toothbrush and leave. Go somewhere far away and get perspective, even if it means living on the streets somewhere (which I’ve done).
This will accomplish 2 things: 1) it’ll give you a chance to think without your problems facing you every waking moment. But much more importantly 2) Your kids won’t have to deal with a corpse. Abandonment, while sucky, is far better than abandonment-by-death because at least if you run off, you’ll give your kids the choice of what to believe. Instead of imposing a dreadful reality that they can’t appeal.
If you run off, maybe they’ll hate you. Maybe they’ll understand. Maybe they’ll be inspired to find you, or maybe they’ll just write you off. Maybe their mother will tell them you had to go somewhere and will return. The point is let them decide. You can always kill yourself in a hotel room in Paris if you must. Or maybe after a year or 2 or 10, you’ll realize you’re ready to try being their father again.
I’m just sharing these ideas because I, too, have come to the crossroads where you are. I studied the people I would leave behind, tried my best to see the impending situation through their eyes, and based my plan on that. You’ve obviously taken a similar approach of working hard for their sake, trying to minimize the mess your suicide would cause. I’m just pointing out that the monetary concerns are nothing. I might even argue that struggling with the financial troubles might even serve as an odd distraction for them (that’s how my neighbor reacted when her husband killed himself… kicking into auto-pilot to deal with finances in an obvious bid to avoid “feeling”. It seemed to work).
Run away man. Get in the car, hitch a ride, or just start walking. Give your kids something to hope for rather than a lifeless heap of flesh that was once their father.
Salt, I’m in that dark place right now – and everyday I’m just getting pulled in deeper. Wearing a mask everyday. Going back to a run down room. Only to see my kids from afar. And when I do come and see them. It’s nothing but screaming, shouting – playing the blame game. In front of the children.
I read your comment a few times, and I thank you. I haven’t had, or ever will have the heart to talk about this with someone I know.
For me it’s a sense of failure, coming from a broken home. I swore to myself that it will never happen to me – if I do start a family. But, it did… and the damage is irreparable. I failed myself, and my children. I have thought long and hard on how to mend it – but there’s no outcome where we’d come out happy.
For a husband that has been verbally and physically abused. And I just absorb all of it – and what’s worse, she turns the tables and makes everyone believe that I was at fault, and I was the one who hit. The law is not on my side as well, as the system here is biased to the women. (I have video recording of her hurting herself to show bruises and make it look that I did it.) I’m at a corner, if I take the legal option – it’ll be my word against them. The recordings are inadmissible in court. Plus she makes everyone believe I’m the bad one – even to the kids.
Our justice system is all screwed up, biased… and very outdated. I would have just gone the easy route of divorce. But we don’t have that here.
You give a few valid points, and some of them I’ve thought of it. But isn’t it just delaying the inevitable?
Thank you…
Oh man, I see your point. The worst hell is to be made into a monster in front of your children, and it looks like she’s pretty cunning at accomplishing that.
And yes, our joke of a “justice system”, already flawed beyond words, is particularly effed up in regard to domestic situations involving kids. The man is always tarred & feathered no matter what.
I still think you could benefit by getting away and flushing your brain. The first time I came close to suicide was when I lost my entire fortune (almost a quarter million… which I never did get back), and like you’re feeling, I knew it was a failure that would shadow me wherever I went. No point in running away from myself, huh? Well it’s not so much running away from yourself as it is FINDING yourself, the “you” who existed before the failure. So, penniless, I decided I would walk to South America. Actually I figured I’d end up hanging myself in a hotel on the way, but the South America vision gave me purpose.
If you’re thinking I had some magical life changing experience that made me suddenly embrace life, lol, sorry no Hollywood endings here. But what did happen is that I slowly got away from that horrible wrenching pain, at least to the point that I could conceive a better future.
I’m still suicidal on an hourly basis, but in still going. Never made it to South America, but I never went back to my failed home either. Haha I’m not exactly giving you the luxurious travel brochure sales pitch, but life isn’t that way. Near as I can tell, life is about the tiny victory of staying alive each day, spitting in the face of failure just to say, “Still here, bastards. What else ya got?”
If nothing else, I’m so glad you’re talking this out a bit. If nothing else, after you’re gone your kids will find this page and see that you really, really tried. Feel free to unload your worst… That’s what we’re all here to do!
I’ve got plans. But I can’t say them without violating site rules.
Suicidal in an hourly basis, everything I see or do… I try find a means to an end. Some of them are quite creative – some are just quite gruesome.
That first try gave me clarity – the last memory I thought was my kids. And leaving suddenly like that wasn’t really how I wanted to go. At least, I’d have to do something for them… Working really hard has gotten me by, for the 8 or so hours… has kept me sane. Rather than being cooped up in a room, and things get all dark. I’ve got all sorts of stuff around that can get it over and done with – not until I finish what I need to do. At least, I feel that I have really gone in peace with myself.
Each day passing is indeed a victory. But for me, the war has already been lost. And a graceful exist is why I am still battling myself.
Can you tell your story and why you are in pain JR
One word dallas
CryingFlying, Dallas is a big hop from here. 🙂
Hey JR, I’m from the Philippines too. and I’m the youngest daughter of the family. And you just got me thinking about ‘S’ I wonder who will spoil her? I wonder who will piggy back her? I wonder who will watch all of her school games in the future and same goes for ‘M’ too. Thankfully my dad is alive and kicking but he never goes to my school games and such… we’re not that close and I might just be feeling what will M and S will feel in the future.
I may not know how you’re feeling right now and I’m not in the position for saying this, because clearly you probably have more experience than me… but i know that everything is hard for you now; but please hold on. Just take a break from everything and think about it. Think about your children.
Stay Strong, Kuya!!! For your children. You matter.
McGiggles. I was always close to my kids. They are my pride and my joy. But I rarely see them now, kept away from me by the mom and the in-laws. Pulling tricks and schemes worthy of a primetime soap opera to keep me away.
I was there S came into this world. And I cherish every single day that I get to see and hold her. Even for a bit. It was a few weeks of ‘peace’ when. Then the cycle went again. As for M, he’s grown into a smart kid. He knows whats going on, he’s the man of the house now.
I am trying to be strong, but I don’t know how long I can keep it up for. It’s hard to be in a world where you are being branded as the ‘bad guy’. It’s just a matter of time when I put things in motion.
Inbox me. I’d like to talk.
Er, my bad I thought we had that here. Email me at: general.shalkar@gmail.com
Life is so cruel and unfair. Just like you feel wrong by life. Won’t your children feel the same way? I understand your point of view and that only you know how bad things are. But if I were you…I would be afraid…afraid of being a bad example to my kids.
Everyone thinks about killing themselves at least once in their lives. I wouldn’t want to be the reason one of them ends up doing it.
In the end, it’s your decision. And I really hope you gave it all the thought you needed. Cause once you do it, there is no going back.
Stay strong until you stop breathing my friend.