life and stuff

I think last year was probably the worst year of my life. Although in retrospect maybe that was a good thing, since it forced me to make some changes in my thinking and perception and personal philosophy that ultimately have led to a much more satisfying and content existence. Sometimes its only when things get to their worst and a situation becomes intolerable that you actually find the motivation to make changes. A couple years ago I came to the realization that I was pretty much bored with everything and that I didn’t really care about anything. I took this boredom and apathy and convinced myself that those issues along with my lack of motivation must mean I was depressed. Even though I didn’t really feel depressed, I wasn’t sad, just maybe frustrated and restless. I told myself that if I have all the symptoms of depression well I must be depressed. So I think in a way I actually convinced myself that I was depressed and ended up depressed because I thought I already was. Anyway I ended up on SP and started talking with people and I actually am happy about that. I did get to meet some cool people, and I think I have learned a lot about myself from my time on SP. I started to think that maybe my depression was actually because I was lonely. I never really felt lonely I always kind of preferred solitude but I got the idea in my head that life only has meaning when shared with other people. So I figured that was why my life felt boring and empty and meaningless because I kept myself so isolated.

So I started trying to form connections with people, which didn’t really go so well. I can get a long with most people well enough as acquaintances but I really find in hard to form any kind of deeper connection with people. Although I actually did end up finding someone to connect with. Someone who is just as fucked up as I am, who deals with many of the same issues. Which seemed ideal someone to relate to that we would understand each other. It didn’t work out that way though. Sometimes things were very good, and sometimes things were very bad. Two high conflict people go through some very extreme ups and downs. Ultimately that emotional rollercoaster was far worse. Well I stopped interacting with that person at the end of last summer which did leave me at a low point. Although it did teach me that trying to find that deeper connection with other people was not what was going to fix my issues. So at least I learned that much from that spectacular failure.

Which just forced me to explore other avenues. I ended up going the medication route I got on Paxil first, then after a month of that I got lithium and Abilify. I can’t really say that the medication has helped. Although I also can’t really say that it hurts anything either. I think the lithium and abilify has definitely helped with the severity of my mood swings and anger issues. I am not sure I was ever truly depressed but maybe the Paxil helps too who knows. Other people keep telling me that they see changes that I don’t see. That they attribute to the medication.

Around the same time I also got a dog last november, the dog is probably better than any medication honestly. Pets are great its nice having something to take care of it kind of gives you a feeling of purpose. Like at least something needs you. They also make great companions, they aren’t too demanding its just nice to have them there in the same room just knowing you have something there that loves you and is easy to please and eager to please in return. I actually ended up getting a second dog in january. So yea I think the dogs made me feel better more so than the medication did. Humans are too dramatic, in my case dogs really are mans best friends.

So yea just one thing builds into the next. I started feeling better so I started eating better and then I started exercising 3 or 4 times a week. Which I dunno I can’t really say that has made me feel any better, my natural inclination towards laziness isn’t particularly compatible with that. Really I am not even sure I need to make those lifestyle changes.

Ironically I am pretty much right back where I started mostly bored and mostly apathetic but yet with a different outlook on it. I don’t think boredom is that bad anymore. I think we just get conditioned with the belief that we need to be constantly active, constantly doing things, maximizing every second of every day. If we aren’t doing something, than something is wrong with us. The same with feelings. If I am mostly apathetic so what, I don’t need to have an emotional response to every bit of stimuli. Its ok not to feel anything. Emotions are fleeting we aren’t supposed to be happy or whatever all the time. It is mostly just a matter of expectations. I made myself miserable because I thought I was supposed to be happy all the time and that if I wasn’t than that meant something was wrong with me and it was just a completely unreasonable goal. I think spending the last couple years actually being miserable and depressed taught me that there was nothing wrong with my life before that. Now I actually feel content to mostly settle back into that old comfortable boring lifestyle with a few improvements and a new mindset.

There is a TED talk that I like to watch at least a couple times a week “the surprising science of happiness”. It illustrates that for the most part no matter what changes occur in your life you pretty much settle back into whatever baseline of happiness you have established for yourself. Sure something really good or really bad might cause a few months of change but it always regresses back to that mean. So changing my life does nothing its all about changing my thoughts and perception. So while the turbulence of the last 2 years might have led me right back to where I started, it taught me a lot and made me much more content to be there. So yea I will definitely say things are a lot better even if they are exactly the same as when the crazy journey started.