One thing I noticed recently is my life resembles a hailstone, i.e. severe ups and downs. There’s actually a way to represent this mathematically (and yes, I am going somewhere with this!)
Take any natural number N. If N is even, divide by 2 (to obtain N/2); if N is odd, multiply by 3 and add 1 (3N+1). Repeat this sequence.
I’ll work out a brief example. Let’s start with 3:
3 is odd, so we multiply by 3 and add 1 to get 10.
10 is even, so divide by 2, to get 5.
5 is odd, so multiply by 3 and add 1, to get 16.
16 is even, so divide by 2 to get 8.
8 is even, so divide by 2 to get 4.
4 is even, so divide by 2 to get 2.
2 is even, so divide by 2 to get 1.
1 is odd, so multiply by 3 and add 1, to get 4.
From here, you will notice that you’re stuck at an endless repeat of 4, 2, 1. And no matter what number you start with, you end up at 1. This whole mess is called Collatz Conjecture, in which Collatz postulates…Exactly what I just said: that no matter what number you start with, you eventually reach 1. And, of course, 4 and 2, as well.
But even with just 4, 2, and 1, notice that there’s a high point, and a low point. And they keep repeating, ad infinitum. High, middle, low. High, middle, low.
And it never ends.
Does anyone think that depression has a similar property? High points, low points, middle points, on some endless loop, like an annoying record on repeat? Unlike the math, though, we have an option to break the loop, if we so desire. We can break it all, like glass. Pop it like a balloon.
But one thing I’ve been wondering (and I’ve mentioned this extensively in previous posts) is what happens afterwords. To people that know you, certainly, but also to YOU. You, as a person; you, as an entity. I have a friend who insists he helped his uncle’s spirit move on. He says he’s seen demons, etc. So I’m not exactly sure if I believe him. I’ve been asking myself all the philosophical questions that most people either scowl or WTF at: do we have free will, or do we just believe we do? I.e. Are we just puppets in some massive puppet show? Does god really exist? There’s even some crazy professor who’s convinced we are running in someone else’s computer simulation. As you can tell, what happens after death (or even during life) is not something anybody can answer. I’ll probably find out soon, though, and end my hailstone. 4, 2, 1 will be finally ending, for me. (or -2, -1 if you prefer the negative side.) For those who scoff at the idea of suicide (it’s the easy way out!) I ask you to consider this: do you have the courage to potentially end up completely nonexistent? To end up in a theoretical heaven, or hell? To end up in a massive 4, 2, 1 (ad infinitum) death march? To end up reincarnated? To end up somewhere that is literally unknown? A lot of people scoff at people with depression, or people who are suicidal, because a lot of times, said people do not KNOW depression or suicide: that is, they’ve very little experience with it, and thus do not understand it.
But suicidal people do not understand death, yet embrace it. Fully. What is more courageous than that: to completely embrace what we do not understand – that we cannot understand, no matter what? That, to me, is the most courageous thing of all.
4 comments
I think a lot of those who see spirits also see demons… angels too. Once you open the box, everything jumps out.
I like your theories. My personal opinion is there are no rules. Perhaps all of the possibilities are possible? One may cease to exist, while another continues on a ghostly 4,2,1 -stuck in the memory of what was. One may float up to the gates of Geaven and be greeted by ‘Jesus’ while another may be greeted by a wise old friend. I really feel what happens is down to the soul itself. Why would there be any rules and laws?! Why would ‘infinite power’ restrict itself in anyway? I truly believe this is why the question has no answer… The answer is upto you.
Interesting post. I tend to agree with your point that no one really knows what is waiting for us on the other side. It could be anything or it could be absolutely nothing. Or very likely, in my opinion, it will be something that the human brain cannot even comprehend in its current form.
As someone who is on the brink of finding out what’s waiting for us beyond this life, I have to say that it does concern me quite a bit. The fear of the unknown can be very powerful.
I have to sort of disagree that being suicidal means you’re embracing death. To me it’s more of a statement about life rather than death.
For me, death is not ideal at all. I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live anymore in this world. It is too painful. A life without the possibility of happiness, joy and intimacy is not worth living.
The only reason I choose to die is because that is the only alternative to not being alive. If I had another choice, I would probably consider it.
You seem like someone that it would be fun to have a discussion with.
I’d love to dissect this and give my thoughts point by point, haha.
First, let me attempt to summaries your larger points:
1) Math and recursion as it relates to depression. Can up equate to down?
2) What happens after death?
3) Do we have free will?
4) Courage and suicide
*1 Firstly, I agree with your first point, lets call it recursive, or better
yet a fractal. Merely a mathematical construct? There have been a fairly good
arguments for these pattern existing in nature; for instance the placement of branches and leafs form to maximize photosynthesis.
Douglas Hofstadter in “I Am a Strange Loop” (And more recently, Surfaces and
Essences: Analogy as the Fuel and Fire of Thinking)” Talks about this problem
as it relates to consciousness. Poignant here, is the discussion about a
feedback loop. His example is when you take a video camera hooked up to a t.v. or
monitor, and point it at itself, you get a feedback loop. The idea being that, (long chapters aside…)
perhaps that is what consciousness is. And I hypothesize depression, more
personified. Its when you see something, and many frames later see the same
thing, and the cycle repeats… and repeats. To me, it is more of a fractal
pattern, infinite depth than a seemingly simpler feedback loop. In my opinon
that seems to be more or less what you are getting at here. My question is, is that unique
to depression? Or is that what consciousness is? I’m being a bit terse…
Anyway… I’ll stop here. Although #3 and #4 seem fun to explore 🙂