Dear anyone
I am an 18 year old guy and my life is shit for the last 10 years with no exaggeration. I am really fucking depressed and I keep everything inside me for a very long time but I found this site some time ago and I would like to write my story before I end my miserable life. I know many of you will get bored and close this page in the midway because it will be very long but I don’t care for anything anymore.
The problem is that I am just so fucking ugly. I have nothing on me to like about. I am so fucking short, 5’4, with a slim & weak body and I have a small & childlike face as well as poor eyesight. I am literally like a fucking 10 year old boy. Seriously, I mean it, my eyes are tiny and my nose & mouth the same. Whenever I tell someone my age no-one believes me. Not only I have a small features but also I am very ugly, my face is flat and tiny with horrible structure. I never had a girlfriend and I would never have because I am so fucking short, weak and I look like a fucking kid and have nothing in common with the men that women wants , the tall and strong guy that wants him to protect them. I am also pretty sure that I would have difficulties in even finding a job in the future because of my fucking ugly and childish face -> no-one will take me seriously in my job. The people that say that the appearance doesn’t play much role should shut up because this fucking society is racist and there is huge discrimination and there are proves that good looking guys have greater chance of success in their life in every aspect.
I am so fucking depressed! Due to all these I have no fucking no social life and I isolate myself and became an introvert. Everyday I go to school and then back home again locking myself in my fucking room and spent all day in front of the pc doing nothing. I get pissed off whenever I see a happy person or a couple because it reminds me how fucked up I am and that I would never be able to enjoy this happiness in my life like other people. The few ‘’friends’’ that I have were used to invite me to go out with them but I always refused and now they don’t even bother asking me so again I locked myself in my room. I am so sad, miserable and lonely and in some days I don’t open my mouth to say a single word. I also have to laugh for about 8 years (SERIOUSLY SPEAKING) because I have all those thoughts in my head all the time, that I won’t be able to have a happy life, no girlfriend, family+ nothing in my life and feel so depressed. When I am alone for a very long time (not going to school) I start to ‘’forget’’ how shit I am but when I see myself in the mirror, suddenly all the unhappiness returns in just a second.
I don’t have any ambitions and aims for my future and I am so hopeless that I don’t give a shit for nothing anymore. The only thing I ‘’want’’ is to go to a university (which will be hell for me again) that will allow me to get a job so I can leave from my fucking family and go to live alone and just spent all time in my apartment seeing no-one and listen to no-one until I find out an easy way to kill myself. Can believe it man? I am 18 year old and my only aim is to locked myself in a fucking room! When I listen to my friends about their future plans that they want to party all the time, have sex with many girls and travel around the world and then compare it with mine it make me feel pathetic.
I also hate my stupid family. They never gave a shit about me. When I was young they never let me to get out with my friend like normal child so always staying at home losing any interest in socializing. They also didn’t even care of sending me to learn any sport, music instrument, dancing etc and so have no interest in those thing like most other people. I don’t even know how to swim! I am so uninteresting and boring person. I am also not involve in any social network site (e.g. twitter). My sister I the opposite of me. She’s tall and pretty and go out every night with her friends. I fucking hate my parent because they gave me their fucking genes and become like this shit and I suffer all day because of them. I barely talk to them everyday. Fucking bastards, why they wanted a second child?
This life is so unfair. I want to die more and more everyday. While other people of my age are having fun, I am searching ways to commit suicide. Fuck! I am afraid to do it! I hoped many times to die in my sleep and even when I am in the car I purposely not wear a seatbelt so if I am lucky and an accident occurs I will die. I also lost my faith to god. I used to believe that even if I am disadvantaged compare to other people, if I am a good person, god will help me find happiness. But now all of these are bullshits for me and facing the reality made me collapsed & feel helpless.
I can’t live in this life anymore. I just can’t. I am tired of it. This world isn’t made for everyone. I understand that and I really accept it but I think I have every right to leave from this torture and end my life. So please can anyone tell me the most painlessly way to die? The only thing I wanted in this life is to be a fucking normal, average with normal body size, height and average looking. Just fucking normal.
I am so hopeless and depress. Most probably this is the first and the last thing you will hear from me. With the one or the another way I will find the courage to end my fucking life. Perhaps I am another suicide stat as most people will think but I don’t care. Let it be like this. Thank anyone bothering reading about my fucked up life and sorry for wasting your time since at the end of the day I don’t even know why I wrote this. Perhaps I want to get it out of myself before I leave this world. Bye and have a nice life… I won’t miss anything from this fucking world.
P.S. sorry for my bad English but I am from central Europe.
19 comments
Good luck life can be so unfair I also inherited bad genes in regards to mental illness. I’m average height not bad looking had a ton of jobs one I really liked but I became unwell and want to end my life too. I can’t tell you my method but it involves a car and fumes. Hope its painless. I ***** out of everything hopefully when I save up enough I can buy the right vehicle buy some vodka some cigarettes and some codeine pills so its even more painless yeah I’m a ***** a I may have to buy a meter device to know its lethal and crossover to the afterworld.
But you should still try to get an education and a job and see if that works first. Its tough when suicide consumes me my mum and a brother or two will probably be distraught but I’m not selfish just a little coward.
flatliner ,
your English is better than mine! 🙂 your so young sorry but you haven’t given yourself a chance, truly keep up the fight! were all ugly it’s what’s inside us that’s beautiful , people see it especially after 18! your goal is to find a good person and fall in love, now march on my son!!
dude we have so much in common! I am 19, only 5’6”, ugly, dumb and autistic, never had a gf, and gonna suicide in a few days… wishing you good luck….
btw, forgot to write that I am sorry to see another young man like me is suffering because of bad genetics and bad parents…. well, from the beginning of human life there always has been this kind of shit…. there are always many people who will be superior to you… its natural selection… girls will always like the top dogs.. but there are some bottom ten girls you can try… hopefully you will be able to get a gf from one of those black… fat… ugly… socially awkward girls.. i am trying them currently but i am so ugly and disgusting that even the bottom ten is rejecting me… wishing you the best of luck… I wish that you will be a successful man oneday… be over 6 feet tall.. own a billion dollar buisness…. be a super model… have a drop dead gorgeous, sexy trophy wife… own expensive cars and houses… hope you get whatever you want my brother…. peace out!
Unluckymale13…While I have dealt with my own share of rejection and am hardly an authority regarding what women seek in a potential mate, have you considered how you look has nothing to do with why you are being rejected? It just seems to me that rating a woman into some kind of percentile would be absolutely degrading. And how do the characteristics you cite in any way relate to desirability? Perhaps you have your own preferences, okay, but you don’t appear to be looking for a woman so much as an object, i.e. the comment about a trophy wife as if that is what you see as ideal.
It’s not all on the surface. What is desirable and attractive is so much more who a person is than how they look. I’m not so naive to suggest that appearance doesn’t play a role as well, but when you look at someone, I think it is good to consider whether you would still feel the same toward them if they gained 100lbs or became disfigured in some way. If you can’t, then you aren’t as attracted to the person they are as much as what they look like and that relationship is probably doomed to fail.
Recently I’ve been talking to someone who is kind of socially awkward, who doesn’t think she is pretty, and has concerns about her weight. Even though those things are on your list, I don’t see someone undesirable when I look at her. I see absolute beauty in its finest form. And more than that, her physical appearance, as attractive as I find her, pales to who she is. I’ve seen things she has written and know she is intelligent and compassionate. She is also funny, kind, and a sweet person. Talking with her, I even find we have a number of things in common. As beautiful as I think she is on the outside, she is far more beautiful on the inside and I find myself wanting to know more and hoping that I am as interesting as I find her to be. She has made no clear indication what she thinks of me and perhaps I will be rejected or she will only want to be friends. I don’t know. One thing I am sure of is that she wouldn’t make that decision on how I look or how socially awkward I may be myself and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would.
My point is, you have to look deeper than appearance. Maybe the reason you are being rejected is not so much what you look like, but how you are treating a woman. If you are objectifying a woman, she is sure to pick up on it. If you treat her like she is lesser because she doesn’t meet your ideals, she will feel that you think that way. It’s not so much that you are unlucky, but when you stack the deck against yourself, the odds will always be against you. I hope this helps you in some way. Take care.
thanks copeless 4 the long reply… no i dont view girls as inferior in fact i think girls are superior to males… and you are right this shit is happening to me mostly because i am dont know how to behave well.. so no one likes me… its not my fault that i was born with inferior genetics and autism, but no one cares because people see only my outside, not who i am inside..
oh you meant it for unlucky.. sorry my mistake…
thank you copelessness for your lengthy comment
copelessness the problem is that if you are unattractive most girls will not bother learning how you are inside even if you are a very beautiful inside. In order to bring a girl to know you, you must have a good appearance.
I understand what you are trying to say given that I don’t personally regard myself as being even moderately good looking. Considering the lack of attention I get, apparently neither do most women. I have even had friends/people say to my face that they wish they had a guy like me, but they don’t actually mean me specifically. They think I am kind or sweet, but it must mean that there is something about me then that is unappealing, be it appearance or otherwise, that those people looked elsewhere.. If things progress the way I hope they will with this one person though, I will be glad that they did look elsewhere, but yes, I know what you kind of mean.
Still, I try not to look only at the surface of another person just because I think there is far more to someone than what they look like. I can only hope that someday my certain someone does the same and sees something in me. Hopefully someday someone will do the same and also see something in you.
As for Unlucky and iama, I am fairly confident you are the same person anyway so there wasn’t really a need to act like you weren’t. I could go into the reasons why I suspect this, but i believe it’s fairly apparent.
I find so much in common with this testimony.
I am middle aged now, I had a family and a house and a good job, ad for about 10 years was really happy, but my ex-wife said and did horrible things to me through the divorce court to get custody of our children and to get child support.
I wish I could go back in time, I would kill myself in 1979, at age 18 too.
It really isn’t worth it. Exit now. The misery you will suffer in the future is far worse.
The only reason I don’t shoot myself in the head right now is that I don’t want my ex to get the social security benefits. If that evil ***** would die then I could kill myself and be done with it. Unfortunately I am not a violent person and couldn’t bring myself to killing that evil pig.
Now I think I can gag down some more vodka and grape pop.
Depending on your state you can buy a cheap gun, or if you think you can jump from a high bridge (heights are a problem for me), but check for anti-suicide nets. Or find a road where fast moving trucks drive by at great speed, but you have to plan it out well, you don’t want to be another goof-ball wandering around on the highway, just stepping out in front of a semi while pulled over on the highway pretending to be looking under the hood.
Check your local area for suicides, like bridges, etc. If it works for one person it will probably work for you too.
oh, I guess I just gave out methods… I retract all that. I didn’t read that part.
I would delete it, but I don’t know how.
dont worry.. flatliner is an adult and he can take care of himself… from his nicely thought writings you can see that he already knows more suicide methods than you have mentioned…
…but however sincere you might be flintstone it’s not OK to encourage someone else to kill themselves, especially here.
I feel for you flatliner. But I bet you are not as repellent as you think you are. The height thing is unfortunate sure but there are a ton of short girls out there.
Damn. Some of these stories really break my heart though.
Thanks every single one of you that read and comment.
Last night after writing this i was determined to kill myself. I sneak out of my house at night and went to the roof of the building that i live to jump down… but fuck, i was so fucking scared…i stare down for an hour and i couldn’t do that… i just couldn’t. Rocketman and schizophrenia 222 said that i should give another chance to myself but i don’t have any more strength/power to try. i am so tired and depressed. Unluckymale13 i wish you the best as well mate. Seppuku is not only about the height… i am so slim and weak and i look like a fucking kid so no girl will ever see me as a potential partner.
Sorry for how you’re feeling. It’s not your fault it’s society’s.
However you’re not alone in your plans. I too want to just get a job so that i can live alone in an apartment for the rest of my life. And even job so that i can collect enough to get one time food, and after that i’ll cut all legal connections. I’ll live off spite and vengeance, i think they’re pretty strong fuels that will sail me through a few decades.
Thanks for replying.
But for how long we will manage to live alone? I believe that by leaving alone forever doing nothing will just make my depression grow slower. But this is the only thing i can do or the only thing that will allow me to suffer the least…