I feel weird for posting on here, but I have been visiting this site for months now. This Saturday will mark one year since I was raped. I’m 20 years old and I know many would say that I am so young and I have “so much life” ahead of me. I should have so much life ahead of me, but it was taken from me on that night. I live every day in fear. I can’t be out by myself. I’m paranoid. I’m afraid of the dark to the point where I have to sleep with the lights on….I am 20 fucking years old. I can’t meet new people or make new friends. I hate being touched. It makes having any sort of relationship with anyone pretty much impossible. I’ve slowly dropped many of my friends if not all because I can’t explain to them why I can’t go out and why I am so afraid to go out and do things. I spend most of my days locked in my room in my apartment because that’s the only place I feel “safe”. Even then, I’ve had terrible night terrors waking up screaming…reliving the horrible event. It got to the point where I didn’t want to sleep so I began abusing adderall and caffeine pills. I ended up accidentally overdosing and obviously survived. That is when the idea of suicide entered my head. Because what kind of life am I living? Yes, I’ve gone to a psychologist. No, it has obviously not helped. I am looking for a way SUCCESSFUL way kill myself and in such a way that my body isn’t horribly disfigured. Obviously I would like to experience the least amount of pain possible, but it’s death so I can imagine that it will hurt one way or another
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Don’t kill yourself over this. I understand that it was traumatic, but it can be over came. You will soon gain your trust back it just takes time.
To the commenter: I’m sure you mean well, but if you believe in the most useless cliché of all time, I have some beach front property I’d like to sell you. The “time heals all wounds” cliché is plain nonsense that people tell each other to fool them into believing that there is a solution to everything. You think you are being helpful, but to me it sounds aggravating. Just my opinion.
To the poster: I’m saddened to read your story. I can’t even begin to imagine how much pain and terror you’re in. I wish I could take it all away. I was with a rape survivor for almost 6 years, and in the end I couldn’t save her from herself. She left me for her ex-husband, the one she left to be with me in the first place. She had been abused and raped and her mind was incapable of accepting true love. In the end she chose to abandon me because she always feared I would do that first because she was so messed up in her head. But I would have never left her. Told her a million times that I was gonna love her forever. In the end, it didn’t matter. Now she is happy with him and she pretends I don’t exist. And no matter how much she has hurt me, all I think about every second of every day, is her and her three kids that I helped raise for almost 6 years.
So as you can see, time does not always have any positive impact on things. Sometimes time just makes things worse. My point is that I believe your situation will somewhat change in the future. What I can’t say for certain, though, is if it will ever improve.
As for your questions about painless and quick methods . . . good luck with that. If something like that truly existed, then most on this forum would be long gone by now. Before you truly decide to pursue this any further, please read up on suicide statistics. Your chances of success are very slim, and the most likely outcome is that you will be injured or sick afterwards, and still alive to feel it all.