So many questions…

I don’t know where to start.

I was  chronically suicidal in high school, and even attempted it several times.  Then, sometime in my early adulthood, I fell in love for the first time and stopped feeling that way.  Now I’m almost 30 and I’m back to square one.  I’ve been single for years, have gotten more and more depressed over the years, and finally I’ve come to the point where I’m seriously contemplating ending my life.

I’m a gay man.  I’ve never really felt comfortable with the idea of being gay.  I don’t relate to gay culture in any way, shape or form, and I’m not even sure I’m attracted to guys anymore (I actually don’t know if I am sexual at all at this point in my life).  I’m also questioning my gender identity as a man altogether, and not sure I want to continue as a man – thing is, I know I would transition horribly as a woman.  I already feel extremely unhappy with my body, and I can’t even think of the possibility that many would view me as a monster if I chose to transition.  There are so many things I really dislike about my life, my sexuality and my body being two primary things.

Less than a year ago, I also moved away from my hometown to pursue a PhD.  Now I live in a city where I have very few friends or people I relate to in any way.  I probably feel more isolated than I’ve ever been in my life.

I don’t want to cause anyone any pain.  I just really want my life to be over.  Even when I do feel okay about things, I still don’t have an absolute drive to keep going – it’s more like now that I have life, I have to live it.

I’ve thought about the helium method a lot, and have started planning how I would use it.  I’m hopeful I can complete it by midsummer at the latest.  What I’m really worried about is having a failed attempt, and living with a brain injury the rest of my life.  I don’t know if any of you have heard about failed attempts with this method, or have personally known anyone with this experience.