I thought last night would be the end, but I still find myself here. I’m so tired of feeling this way but I can’t change it. I still love her every second of every day. Without her there is no point to life. It hurts to breathe knowing I will never see her again. At the same time I can’t get over her leaving me and treating me like I’m nonexistant. She erased me like our 5 1/2 years together didn’t even happen. Or mean anything at all. And her kids did the same. Yet despite all that, I still love them and long to be with them again. Even though that is impossible as I don’t exist in their minds anymore.
The excruciating hurt and disappointment of what they’ve done to me and how they are treating me now, is too much to bear. But what makes it worse is the fact that all I want to do is see them and be back in their lives. Which, like I said, is never gonna happen, because in their minds I don’t exist anymore.
The only solution to this is to match my reality with theirs. I shouldn’t exist anymore. It’s only a matter of time before that comes true.
I’ve tried to hang on, as everyone around me is telling me to do. But each day is as bad as the day before. Or often even worse. Nothing has gotten even the slightest better in almost 10 weeks now. It keeps getting worse as I try to “hang on” in order to not devastate the few people that still give a shit about me in this world.
Maybe one day, I think there is the slight possibility that I might be able to somehow come to terms with the hurt I feel for what she did. Maybe one day years from now. But the desire to see her and the kids will never go away. So what is the point of living a life like this? With no possibility of happiness of any kind? Of only caring and longing for the one thing that I can’t have and never will?
All I have in my future is more pain and anguish. Can’t change or stop how I feel. Nothing that matters to me will ever get better. I have lost my reason to live. I have lost my will to live. It’s only a matter if time before their reality matches mine and I cease to exist.
4 comments
hey did you try to distract yourself ???
if not , you can indulge in an activity you likes so you dont feel pain
if you think that hurts, try coping with someone you love committing suicide.
Just keep on keeping on, eventually there will be some form of reconciliation, I promise. They always come back. In the meantime, I would suggest marijuana.
I know time heals man.. Get yourself out there! get a rebound or a fling, I know you might not want one but trust me it occupys your mind from thinking about them. Who knows in time they might want to start a different relation with you like (uncle type) you never know? Why kill your self to be forgotten? Plus think about what ppl will think of you even the kids. Don’t give up! Give time.
If you need a ‘rebound or fling’ after ending a relationship, that would indicate you have codependency issues you should work on. It’s better to stay single until you’re over that person, otherwise you’ll never grow as an *individual*.
(Rebounds always end quickly anyway. You can’t pretend to be into somebody when all you’re doing is comparing them to your ex, and it’s not fair to them.)