Based on the situations in my live revolving around uncontrollable emotional issues that not only affect me, but affect my job, and most importantly the family and loved ones around me, it is best that I not participate anymore in this thing called ‘life’. I have a condition that causes myself, co-workers, and others around me to feel uncomfortable. Some reduce their discomfort by using denial, belittlement and minimization of the seriousness of me and my situation. Life is not enjoyable when you are mentally ill, constantly nervous and in some type of head pain, extremely depressed, hopeless, and feel worthless to myself and others around me. The confusion and pain is unbearable. I cannot function or hold down a job, I cannot concentrate on my educational classes, and I feel like a failure. Being in my 40’s and really having nothing more to look forward to in life, no seeds to carry my name. My wife divorced me as a result of my illness, after 17 years of marriage, and conveniently after raising her 2 kids as my own. She admitted to cheating and wiped out our bank accounts and stole my identity and placed me in debt. She was not able to have anymore kids of her own, and since I was faithful for 17 years, I missed out on an opportunity to have my own seeds. After a period of time I gave in to a lady and tried a relationship, and even engaged her, only to find out that she is still legally married to her first husband whom she claim is her “best friend”. I think it is best to end this pain now. Evidently my purpose has been served. My quality of life is zero. I hate to go to bed at night for fear of facing the next day, and constantly awaking at night and surviving off of on only a couple of hours of sleep, with constant night sweats. Each day I awake with extreme nervousness and unbearable anxiety with Blood Pressure readings of 160/110, and this is with both BP medication, depression, and anxiety medication with therapy. It takes so much energy just to get out of bed most days just to face an evil world. I am tired of waking-up scared to death, and having unannounced panic episodes. I am now having periodic fainting episodes of my constant high blood pressure. Hopefully this will occur while I am under the wheel, saving me from having to take other measures that I have planned. I am tired of being misunderstood and hurting those close to me. I am tired of being made fun of and disrespected by co-workers and students, and even family members and some so-called friends. I am tired of constantly being labeled incompetent, and bullied by superiors. I am tired of being taken for granted. I’m just tired, tired of life period. I have prayed and tried to be the best person I can. I have also asked for my calling in life, but I feel useless. I have come to the conclusion that it is not enough anymore. I am just tired and finished with life. No medication or counseling can give me the relief I feel just from the thought of ending my existence in this world. Medical field is only concerned with treatment (continued monies), but no cure or real solution to what I have been dealing with for years. But not only does there not seem to be any change coming in the future, my issues seem to only be getting worse. I am a casualty of a world that has fallen deep in sin, a world that I want no part of anymore. I have done the research, and have already prayed for forgiveness of any sins that I may have committed, whether aware or unaware of the sin, including taking my life. The Bible tells us in John 3:16; 10:28 that at the moment of salvation, our sins are forgiven. When we become a child of God, all of our sins are forgiven, even those committed after salvation such as suicide. Ephesians 2:8 says “God saved us by his grace when you believed, and you can’t take credit for this, it’s a gift from God.” We are saved by God’s grace, not by our own deeds. In the same way that our good works don’t save us, our actions such as suicide, cannot keep me from the salvation and relief I truly seek. This knowledge alongside the unbearable issues of my life and others close to me has given me the empowerment to finally follow-through with this necessary action. “Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation”: Mark 3:28-29. People often wonder if a person who dies from suicide can be saved and get to heaven, but the Bible does not say anything about this. I believe what matters most to God is how a person lives his or her life rather than how he or she dies. I know this may hurt some, which is why I have considered this option but not acted upon my intentions until now, but my hour is at hand, and I am not afraid of the relief I will get being away from this world.
Those that are hurt by this just know that you are the reason I held off on this long overdue decision, but your pain will ease over time, and hopefully there will be some positive memories of what I used to be. Keep this passage in your hearts: “I came naked from my mother’s womb,” “and I shall have nothing when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and they were his to take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21)
I want no tears, and I want a simple, closed casket memorial, no funeral. I would like for Lena to have the furniture, especially the fish tanks. The electronics can be disbursed through the family, with Dad and Mom getting the TV in the living room and let Lena have the remaining electronics. I appreciate Mom, Rodney, and Jeffrey handling the clothes and such, I trust all of you all’s judgment.
I appreciate the family honoring my last wishes.
God Bless
May 19, 1969 – May 19, 2015