now I can spend more time thinking about how I’m falling apart without having to go through proxy websites to read the entries here.
That being said. I feel like i’m falling apart. I feel like i should be in the psych ward. I got a cut on my wrist but i don’t know how. I was washing my dishes on Sunday and I noticed it. it’s about an inch long and perfectly straight. I noticed because I’d started bleeding. I started looking at the my knives that i was cleaning to see if i had done it accidentally but i didn’t see blood on any of them. i rinsed them again just in case but i feel like I’m going crazy. how did i get this cut. I mean i think about cutting often but i almost always resist the urge because i don’t get much relief from it.
I know i have people i care about in my life but i feel as if i’m failing them all, all the time. I can’t be there the way I want to. I am just dying inside. I am fading and i don’t know where i am or who i am. I feel like crying. I don’t know how i made it in today and looking so dapper nonetheless. I’m not terrible at pretending to be ok but i’m not great at it, otherwise everyone wouldn’t ask me what’s wrong and i wouldn’t cry at my cubicle.
I just feel stupid and things are falling apart. I may have to move again. I’ve had to move about 5 times in the last 3 years and it’s exhausting. I’m sooo tired. I just want to be in a psych ward and then maybe at my sister’s house so i wouldn’t have to think. I have this dream of being a normal person but I don’t think I can be that. i don’t think I can make it. I don’t think I can.m heart is in my belly right now. and I can’t help but having tears in my eyes.
I skipped therapy yesterday. i don’t know what to do.maybe i need a higher dose of meds. Maybe i need the end of a gun to my throat. God help me.