blatherings in the dark

I am a married father of 3, in my mid 30’s. I’m not here for help, hope, sympathy, empathy, or support. I just need a place to chronicle this slide. I’ve been in some dark places before but I think this one has been the longest and darkest (more than a year now). There have been some short interruptions, which is why I am probably still here. These interruptions aren’t times of happiness, just times of neutrality. Speaking of happiness, I don’t know if I’ve ever had a even one true moment of happiness in my life. I’ve had moments of excitement, but I don’t think they are one and the same. I’ve been told that happiness is a choice. Okay. Then I choose to be happy. Well, once again that didn’t work. I’m not here to make declarations of suicide, insistence of my depression, or plans. I’ve never made an attempt before, I’ve never failed at anything, thus it would not be an attempt. It would be a success. I do feel that, this side of a fatal accident, my life will end at my own determination and hands. As far back as I can remember (somewhere around 3 years old), I can remember being completely disillusioned with the world, life, and everything in it. There is no wonder, magic, or great hope. It all is an is. And is is nothing. Nothing matters, nothing makes sense, nothing is what it has been portrayed as. It’s all just flat and 1 dimensional. In my mind, the only thing that could even equate to happiness is envisioning myself in some vast wilderness, at which point I realize it is a place void of all human contact. Happiness to me translates into a place where there are no people. I think. I don’t ever recall being happy, and I’ve never been anywhere that there wasn’t at least one person within a 5 day walk, or roughly 30 minute drive at 70 mph. I just endure; life, people, stress, myself, etc… Mostly, I feel like I’m counting the days until some expected, but unknown, event occurs. Some great puzzle that I have to put together. Daily, I think “Is this the day? How is it going to go? Will I know ahead of time, or will it be an instant where I suddenly just know and act on it? What final action will I make?” It’s all questions, no real answers. My daily mantra is “I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want out of here. When am I getting put of here?” Questions that I want real, concrete answers to. I apologize for taking up your time with my incessant blathering and did so much talking about me. I pray that I don’t find myself taking up too much of your time in the future or at least not for long. Good night.