I’m currently in a partial hospitalization program after half-hearted attempt number 3. Counseling seems to be triggering a lot and I feel worse. I suffer from depression, PTSD, am a victim of abuse, abandonment and neglect. Been in therapy for years. It’s not that I want to die (at my worst I do), it’s that I have no will to live. Does anyone else feel that way?
I want to be happy again. I want to stop the daily thoughts to kill myself. I’m on meds, I’m in intensive therapy, I like my psychiatrist but need a new therapist. My cousin is doing ECT, but I can’t because any memory loss would be catastrophic at work.
I’m trying so hard. Why do I still wish I wouldn’t wake up? What more can I do?
Anyone out there understand?
8 comments
I completely understand! I feel that same way. I just want to be happy n loved. I wish I could just sleep forever. I think maybe you could benefit from EMDR therapy. Google it. I’ve heard it helps a lot of ppl from trauma to depression anxiety PTSD etc. I’m trying it once I find a therapist who specializes in it. Do u have a good support system? Friends family? That’s very important. A constant support system. I had one and they helped me thru horrible times in my past. But now I moved for school and I don’t really have that support system anymore and I can tell it affects me. I’m so emotional. I question why God out me on this earth. But He has a purpose for everyone n a reason for everything. I just wish ppl in this world would care n love each other more. Thats all anyone really needs in life. Love, happiness, peace, trust, and support. But yeah I do know exactly how you feel. It’s hard. But there has to be a reason for all this I’ve gone thru my whole life and same for you!
I don’t have a support system. My family (the few that aren’t abusive) live 800 miles away and frown on mental illness and don’t understand why I can’t just be happy.
I have a friend or two, but don’t trust easily and they are often busy with their own lives and family.
My therapist tells me to find new friends and meet people, but I just don’t trust people not to hurt me.
I know how you feel. I also have severe trust issues. It’s hard when we don’t have a support system. Honestly I feel like it’s bc deep down in our own self we are still like the lil girl or boy we were in childhood n also I think there is a sense of not loving ourselves. At least for me it is. I hate myself bc I feel like I always screw things up bc of my emotions n I don’t know how to cope with pain. N most ppl it seems aren’t real n are selfish so they don’t care when we go thru sad times or emotions come out so they shut down. Idk I wish more ppl had compassion n empathy for ppl. Especially ppl with mental or emotional problems. Everyone just wants to be loved n treated like a human with feelings. I’ll never understand why it’s so messed up in the world. Honestly I feel it all starts with our childhood
yeah it all starts from childhood. adulthood is the making of childhood!
can you tell me in detail what happens in the therapy? what does the therapist does to you?
I haven’t started EMDR yet bc I have been researching it. I was actually a psych major in college. But it’s an 8 phase treatment. That is similar to psychoanalytic therapy but much faster. Talk therapy n cognitive therapy n dialectic therapy can take yrs to help a person overcome their trauma n pain etc. EMDR means Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. For example if u have PTSD or trauma or issues w abandonment EMDR will help to associate a positive image with the negative image by using either sound or visual (usually visual) and you and therapist will focus on PTSD (example from a rape) and u will focus on that particular incident that most effected u and the therapist can tell by the movement of your eyes. Like (REM sleep how eyes move) and by using the light or sound it will replace that image w image if (I am an overcomes bc I am not a victim of rape anymore. It happened but I have move forward and I am stronger now) etc. After a few sessions the memory is then placed in a “file” in the mind and it is no longer swirling around subconsciously causing emotional issues or hating life etc bc it has been dealt with positively and filed in its proper place in the mind. EMDR is very helpful for repressed memories also. It will help to bring memories that have been blocked subconsciously but are still “floating” in ur mind causing issues (this is why I’m seeking EMDR for repressed childhood emo n traumatic abuse from my parents ) but once those blocked memories come forward they will help to process n change from neg to positive n file them in proper area of mind as well. Therefore u can have the deep rooted issues filed where they belong and can regulate ur emotions and think more positively etc. I’m just now learning about it myself. But I study social sci n psych n I have tried therapy n rehab n meds etc. But I still have that Empty feeling of I just don’t want to continue on in life with disappointment n my loved ones not being there when I’m going thru really low points in my life. Here is a wiki link just it give u info. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
In the current hospitalization program I am in, it is 95% group therapy. I feel disconnected with the therapist and get frustrated when the group gets off topic and the counselor doesn’t steer it back. There is a class each morning just as a general check up/ whine fest of the night before, there are DBT courses- just finished emotion regulation and going to start on “interpersonal effectiveness” or some BS like that. There is a coping skills class that I was really looking forward to, but we haven’t actually learned any coping skills- we just talked about anxiety and how it differs from stress. I don’t give a sh$t about semantics! I want to learn how to cope. There is a health and wellness group where you either meditate, or talk about the importance of diet and exercise, blah, blah, blah. There is an art therapy class where they tell you how to do art (I hate people telling me what to do artistically). And there is a movement group- where they make you wiggle your arms and move like your spirit animal and it was so BS, I was able to “opt out” due to some vertigo issues I have.
So I am feeling frustrated, like I’m wasting my time, and not getting the treatment or help I so desperately need.
I hope this info helps.
I haven’t started EMDR yet bc I have been researching it. I was actually a psych major in college. But it’s an 8 phase treatment. That is similar to psychoanalytic therapy but much faster. Talk therapy n cognitive therapy n dialectic therapy can take yrs to help a person overcome their trauma n pain etc. EMDR means Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. For example if u have PTSD or trauma or issues w abandonment EMDR will help to associate a positive image with the negative image by using either sound or visual (usually visual) and you and therapist will focus on PTSD (example from a rape) and u will focus on that particular incident that most effected u and the therapist can tell by the movement of your eyes. Like (REM sleep how eyes move) and by using the light or sound it will replace that image w image if (I am an overcomes bc I am not a victim of rape anymore. It happened but I have move forward and I am stronger now) etc. After a few sessions the memory is then placed in a “file” in the mind and it is no longer swirling around subconsciously causing emotional issues or hating life etc bc it has been dealt with positively and filed in its proper place in the mind. EMDR is very helpful for repressed memories also. It will help to bring memories that have been blocked subconsciously but are still “floating” in ur mind causing issues (this is why I’m seeking EMDR for repressed childhood emo n traumatic abuse from my parents ) but once those blocked memories come forward they will help to process n change from neg to positive n file them in proper area of mind as well. Therefore u can have the deep rooted issues filed where they belong and can regulate ur emotions and think more positively etc. I’m just now learning about it myself. But I study social sci n psych n I have tried therapy n rehab n meds etc. But I still have that Empty feeling of I just don’t want to continue on in life with disappointment n my loved ones not being there when I’m going thru really low points in my life. Here is a wiki link just it give u info. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing