Well, it’s not getting any easier. Everyday seems to be more and more challenging. I think I’m at the end of my rope. Everyone just keeps saying time with heal everything, and it’s becoming a very annoying phrase to hear. Everyday I question my existence. I’ve wrote my not last week while at work. I’m leaving it in my box for access when I’m gone. I want to scream out for help so bad, but I know I can’t. It seems like a act for attention to most people. I’ve really only told one person that I considering it. And once again, I get told to give it time and that I haven’t had time to experience great things yet. What am I supposed to do? Wait for time to kill me off slowly? That seems like such a better future. No one understands.
I’m just a back up to most people. Never the first to be chosen, just a last resort. I always try and do the right thing and end up suffering in the end. Always getting the worse results from what I believe are the best choices. always acting in the best interest of other people. I always get told to be more “selfish” now that I’m alone. Well this is how I choose to be more selfish. This is my choice. I thought I could simply move on and I can’t. But she could.
Sorry, this post really has no point. I’m so caught up in between so many mixed feelings. I just know I feel like my time to end it is getting closer. I just don’t know when.
4 comments
Who is ‘she?’ I’m assuming a female broke up with you. I had a girlfriend break up with me about 10 years ago. At the time I was suicidal. My whole world felt like it was imploding. I couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Nausea. Intruding thoughts of her all the time. It was hell. But guess what? That was 10 years ago. Now, when I think about her, it’s like she barely ever existed in my life. Some things don’t get better in life but the pain of a broken can heal. You’ve just got to get through the initial phase. Stay busy. Focus on your passions in life. Hang in there – you can make it through this phase of your life! One day at a time…
I too feels like you. I also feels like that I am a back up to most people and question my existence.. Time does not heal everytime. But you should not give up.
I understand how you feel completely. I Acctually felt like I wrote this out. Stay strong for as long as possible And remember your not completely alone, if you were I wouldn’t be commenting. I may not be someone you know but remember the ppl you may know don’t know how you feel and probably never will. From being on this site I’ve realized most ppl would know ur feelings definitely starting with myself. Thank you for sharing your story it may not feel like much to you but doing so u are brave, you are strong. Stronger than you feel.
I can relate to your second paragraph 100%. “Always getting the worse results from what I believe are the best choices.” Absolutely. That’s how I pretty much stopped trying at life a few years ago, I felt I got terrible results for trying hard, and that I could get bad results just as easily by not trying. You’re a tech like I was, you probably know the saying “work smart, not hard”. Don’t do something a difficult way if there is an easy way to do it. So that’s how I started feeling about life. It always sucks, so I’ll just stop trying.
I know the “give it time” comment is annoying. I’m someone who tends to believe it, I’ve experienced the most ferocious agony in my life and somehow, there has always been the day that comes that those things no longer bother me. It can take years, you’re not going to feel better in a week after people tell you to give it time.
The funny thing is, even as someone who has seen “time” heal wounds in the past, I am hurting about something in my life right now and even I sit here and believe I will never feel any better, even though I literally just said I’ve been through it before. Things that at one point felt like a million pounds of stone crushing my heart into the ground no longer feel like anything. I can think of people and things that hurt me at one point and not really feel much of anything today. But now there’s a fresh one, another situation that hurts, and even I don’t feel like it will get better. Or maybe, I know it does get better eventually, but I don’t feel like I have the energy for yet another journey through the process. Because the “time heals” thing is meant pretty literally; there is nothing you can do to make it go faster. You are buckled into the miserable roller coaster and you ride it until some day your brain finally decides to stop torturing itself. I have lost years of my life on these roller coaster rides. By the time something finally stops hurting, years have gone by, yet the event feels like it just happened a few weeks ago because I am only then starting to get over it.
I can’t tell you to keep going. I’m sitting here wanting to die right now. All I can say is that pain does eventually fade. Sometimes if you wait around long enough, something good will happen, and you realize the painful event was necessary in order for these other things to happen. Maybe somewhere in your future something good is waiting for you and you’ll realize you wouldn’t have been at the right spot at the right time if you were still in that relationship that ended. But it’s hard to wait. I’ve been waiting for 4 years since the last time I was really happy and fulfilled and haven’t found the next treasure yet.