I’m sorry if this is weird, but I was thinking and I’m not sure how much I’ll really want to say when I see you tomorrow, but right now I feel like talking so I think I’m going to try and tell you some things now so you basically know whats happening.
So I started taking my anxiety medication and I don’t think it’s working at all. In fact I think I’ve been getting a lot worse. I keep shaking like whenever I get anxious or nervous I can’t breathe, I can barely talk and my jaw starts shaking and it looks like I’m shivering. Thats been happening a lot now, and I’ve been getting dizzy and I always feel sick in one way or another. I think I’m having problems with anorexia now. I’m not sure if thats the right thing to call this, I don’t exactly think I’m fat and I’m not exactly trying to starve myself to get thinner, but eating just seems so unappealing to me now and I have to force myself to eat. Honestly, I don’t want to have to say this, but the desire to cut myself and kill myself have been getting really overwhelming sometimes I can’t think straight, because I just want to see myself bleed.
I don’t want to tell Corrine this, because I feel like I know her to well and she’s just going to assume she knows why and I’ve been not telling her things I should be and I don’t really know why, it’s just I guess I don’t want her to think I’m as bad as I am. So I think I’m just past a breaking point or something. I don’t know.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.
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4 comments
Sounds like you’re going through a rough time Astley, I hope tomorrow goes well for you. Have you talked to her about how uncomfortable you are discussing things? My therapist has asked me if I wanted to write her letters or something before, though I didn’t take her up on her offer.
Also, I’m not sure if you have a hard copy or a word doc of your letter, but I would be careful about letting her know your handle on here depending on what you’ve posted. Just to be safe.
While, I’ve never taken any medication myself. From what I here, generally they can take a month to kick in. It sounds awful that you don’t have an appetite and have to force feed yourself. Is it all foods? Or just what you are given to eat? I’ve known people who have been able to live of potato chips alone… Is there a chance that maybe you just need to find the right food? Sometimes sit down meals don’t work, maybe you can snack on something throughout the day?
I hope things get better, in the mean time keep your stick on the ice and your fingers on the keyboard!
I like you’re idea ( @cephalus ) , but I can’t tell my parents what’s going on. My dad yells at me every time he sees my cuts or hears anything about my anxiety. He keeps telling me that I should never talk about it or let it show. I know that I shouldn’t be embarrassed of anything about who I am and what I do, but it’s hard when you have somebody constantly telling you otherwise.
Going to the councilor is a bit weird for me. I forget what they’re called bt we have some of those tht supposedly help students dealing w/ hard issues at home, in school, self-harm..etc. I honestly dnt think they’re any help. They may help with the anxiety yhuer feelin’ bt at the first word of self-harm or Suicide, they call home.
The last thing I wld need is a call home.
Think it through.
Reaching my breaking point is overwhelming… I cry myself to sleep for days; even wks.
I’m still here tho’. I believe in yhue. Keep persevering.