Hello,
So today was a pretty bad day for me. I got sent home from school because I couldn’t stop crying. Well, I told them the reason was because of a bad headache, but in reality I just couldn’t find the strength to get through the day. The thought of walking around and talking to people who I know don’t like me, the thought of simply being somewhere I don’t belong scared me. So I cried. I continued to do so until I got home where I finally slept. But my dreams were simply filled with horrific scenarios which I dare not repeat for thought of them returning.
My boyfriend visited me and I tried to explain what happened but he just kept repeating the words “I just don’t understand”. He has a hard time grasping the idea that I could be upset for no particular reason other than I’m just having a bad day and I just feel so immensely sad.
I don’t know why today was so horrific, because indeed I have not commented upon the truly dark nature of what I was feeling for fear of my subconscious conjuring even worse thoughts and feelings. It was truly horrid and it terrifies me. To the point where I didn’t know whether it was going to stop. The only thing I could was sit through it and be consumed by the pain this feeling was causing. It was emptiness, darkness and a promise of loneliness to come.
I am scared and I don’t know what to do as this awful feeling continues to course through me. I await its subsidence but I am beginning to think that that day will never come. For what hope is there when I cannot be completely open with anyone? Not even my own family or boyfriend?
Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this
6 comments
You’ll get your days of reprieve and maybe even forget it all for a time… but that lingering feeling of doom is always gon’ be there. Ain’t no stopping it. You just have to live with it and fight it when you can. Most (if not all) people fear what they don’t understand so, naturally, your BF is not going to be able to grasp exactly why it is that you feel this way because HE himself hasn’t been through it.
You ever think of ringing Lifeline or your equivalent suicide hotline? I did so a few weeks back in a “safe” manner by not disclosing who I was etc and it did help me, surprisingly. I guess it was good to tell them how far down the rabbit hole I am… although I’d suggest not telling them you have a pump-action shotgun under your bed and the training to put it to deadly effect.
I used to play Rugby as well, a long time ago. Played at No. 5 mostly, or No. 8 if that was the order of the day. Games of League at lunch time were awesome as well, which is when we’d let the girls jump in and play with us. Walking held only when girls would play, but most would shunna step us and run off to score a try.
Get some rest and down a hot beverage or somethin’. Just kickback and distract yourself for now.
I think I tried to explain that in one of my previous posts. I completely understand he will never just get it, I’ve accepted that.. I just know that it would be more beneficial if he did understand it, but at the same time I could never wish this pain upon him.
I’ve thought about it but saying it loud seems a tad stupid. I mean writing down is one thing, but actually speaking.. That’s a terrifying thought to say the least. But no, even if I were too I don’t think I would care to mention something like that aha but thanks for the advice nonetheless.
I’ve been slightly better today although the pain has not feigned, as suggested I’ve simply distracted myself.
Thank you for taking the time to reply 🙂 Much love and hope to you in days to come may I add
Same. The strength was not there for me either. I couldn’t pull anything because I had exams to focus on.
You managed to escape from it today at least.
If I hadn’t ended up in this position, I probably would have had the same mindset as him. It’s hard to understand, since it’s literally so out of the blue – but remember, if he doesn’t understand, it’s not your fault. These issues are not always easy to grasp, particularly when there are stigmas attached to it.
I personally don’t think that you’re crying over ‘nothing’ per se, it might just be that as you’ve mentioned before, an underlying problem that hasn’t been resolved. There are many factors which could contribute to how you’re feeling, something as simple as your diet – and others which are out of your control.
As for not being able to open up to anyone about these issues… It is difficult. Your parents aren’t very supportive either, from what I recall. Have you considered confiding in someone you trust or a professional? They weren’t able to help me, but if you haven’t tried them yet, I’d say it’s worth a go since I have heard of success with that.
It’s more than just a bad day – especially when this has been ongoing. All I can say is… Hold on for a bit longer, as much as you can. There isn’t a direct solution to this, unfortunately. I’m at a loss as well, and there isn’t much to say to console you. I’d advise you to keep writing if that helps. Keep us updated!
My exams have only just finished luckily, though I hoped for more peace of mind rather than the opposite of which has happened ironically. I had to stay off again today too; it just seemed too frightful to face all those people.
I sometimes wish he would leave me, so that he would not have to deal with this. However I don’t think I could bear it if he left. I’ve tried to tell him it’s okay if he does choose to one day, if it becomes too hard for him to handle, but he refused. He refused to give up on me and I cannot begin to put into words how much I appreciated that and him.
Yes I didn’t mean “nothing” literally but that it seemed to be nothing. Lately I seem to shed tears over dropping a pencil haha, but I think you’re correct in saying that there is an underlying issue. The problem is trying to figure out what that may be, which I do gope to find out sooner rather than later.
I’ve considered it, I spoke to someone of the sorts when I was hospitalised though I can’t recall the precise job title. She came every week and spoke to me to make sure my psyche wasn’t affected and would not effect my physical state. I began to open up to her about what I had been feeling, but to say the least she was the worst person I have ever tried talking to about it. After that I vowed to never speak to a “professional” again, I figured if someone like that can be qualified to supposedly help people, what can the rest be like?
Yes well, “the worst day of my life” seemed to be a little melodramatic, but I’m holding on.. For now. You don’t need to say much, just knowing you care enough to reply helps a great deal, so thank you 🙂 also much love and hope goes out to you
Hey, I just want to let you know that I’ve experienced simular things. When I tried to explain how I feel to my parents they didn’t understand and got upset after it happened a few times.
It kinda sound like you might be very sensitive (I sure am). But.. then I went to psychologist and it somehow stopped (partially because I met a person who understood me a bit). Also.. I stopped caring about the “reality”… if that makes sense.. basically I created a world of my own(try it, it’s awesome). I wish you all the best 🙂 I believe you are going to get trough this.
I’m sorry about that, truly. It’s hard for them not to understand, it’s like an extra support beam has just vanished into thin air, it’s more painful when it’s you’re parents. It’s not your fault at all, it’s just a difficult concept to come to terms with.
Of course I’m sensitive haha, not by choice of course, it is often a burden I do not wish to bear. But I am glad that helped you! Unfortunately I don’t believe professional help will help me in particular.. I do like the idea of creating my own world though, hey I’m seventeen years old and still dream about dragons and wolves and witches ???? if I remember them I could write them down and create that world haha, thanks for the advice and thank you for taking the time to reply 🙂 Much love and hope to you as well