I’ve gotta say what I’ve gotta say, and then I swear I’ll go away.
Let’s see, I want to be a girl, which is still hard for me to wrap my head around, even after explicitly knowing it for two years now, up until that point, I’d started to feel quite weird indeed.
I felt numb/drugged/whatever, sometimes I felt like my brain was the only part of me that was alive, and it felt like it was burning, I was wondering why I always found girls more interesting company, but not ‘interesting’ company, even I find some girls pretty attractive, but when I’m out and I see a girl, I think one of two things:
1. I wonder what she’s like, what she does in her life, how she feels, etc. Weird? Probably…
2. I wish I could be her/be like her.
When I’m getting ready for something, I like to imagine what I’d be wearing if I were a girl, it hurts, I know I shouldn’t do that to myself, I know some people wait a lot longer than I have to transition, I know some people never live long enough to transition because it simply hurts too much, but it hurts to much for me to care, it hurts to much for me to do anything at all.
I barely feel human anymore, I just want to curl up and die sometimes.
I was foolish enough to crush hard on a boy, which got really bad when he got a girlfriend and I still had to work with them (film stuff and all), I even attacked one of my friends over it, ‘regret’ doesn’t quite say it, I hid near a maintenance room for half the day, and I only came out for the last lesson.
Now I avoid this particular boy like the plague because he turned out to be a bit of a dick, either that or I’m still pissed that he has a girlfriend and a job in the film industry now, and I’m… me/it/whatever.
Yes, I’ve told some of my friends, none of them care, they just hugged me and said ‘it gets better’… should I be mad or am I being crazy again? ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT, WHAT. THE. FUCK? They say it’s good to ignore people’s differences, I think it would be better to actually accept them… seriously…
No, I haven’t told my family, it wouldn’t help much, I was hoping to come out the day I moved and not give them my address… that way they couldn’t guilt trip/bully/kill me, I think it’s more me not trusting anyone than them genuinely being like that, good god, I get so paranoid sometimes…
I’m not sure if transitioning will fix anything, I’m not sure if I’ll even get the chance to transition, either way, there’s a special place in hell for me, hopefully it’s among some interesting people 😛
6 comments
I can’t imagine this. Not trying to be hurtful or in any way belittling your comments about your perceived gender identity, but as a female I have a hard time understanding anyone that would want to be a woman. I have spent 55 years as a female and it absolutely sucks in every possible way.
As a female, everyone underestimates you, treats you like you are stupid, places you in a completely inferior position whenever possible and you are expected to conform to some ideal female image. If you are not the ideal thin, pretty, sexy woman – you will be treated like trash by everyone. Men are never treated like this. You can be a large man that is not at all handsome, and you will be treated with respect. If you are a fat ugly woman, you are ignored, treated like crap by every person you meet. There are double standards in everything. Order a meal, buy a pair of shoes, drive a car. Every one of those is another excuse for society and the people around us to treat women differently (less) than men. If you are assertive, you are a *****. If you enjoy sex, you are a whore. If you are not a 100 pound blonde bombshell, you are a cow. Make one mistake at a job, and you are reminded of it every time you are up for a promotion. Men will be promoted faster, paid more, and treated like an asset. Women are treated like a liability.
Being female is not about primping and playing dress-up. It is not about sex. It is all about being treated as a non-entity, a second class person, by everyone you meet. Maybe that is just my experience, but I gotta say it… being female just absolutely sucks.
If you believe becoming female will make you happy and will give you the freedom you crave, why shouldn’t you do it? Yes, there will be people who won’t understand or will try to make you change your mind, but I always say you can’t live for someone else, you have to live for yourself. If you are afraid of the surgery or the hormones, don’t go there just yet. Dress how you want to dress, style your hair, anything to make you feel more comfortable.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out with the boy you liked, and I know it probably won’t help to say this: but there will be someone else. Someone who will treat you well and understand you.
It’s good your friends didn’t leave you when you opened up to them, but I understand it’s hurtful they would just ignore what you said. I think some people are worried they might say the wrong thing so they try to act like they don’t care, but if you need their support you should have a heart to heart with them.
I also understand what OldCow is saying, but you can’t let that stop you from being who you are. Men deal with many pressures as well, I think this is often forgotten. I hope you find happiness. 🙂
My apologies. You are absolutely right. My comments are more about me and my intense hatred of my life and everything I am, than about your comments. I just read that and immediately thought about how much I hated being female and didn’t understand why anyone would want to have any part of that. I guess it is less about being female than it is about being this useless, fat, stupid, ugly piece of crap that I am. Again, sorry about that. It was not intended as an attack.
@OldCow-I don’t know if it’s my place to chime in but I just hope you’re okay. I’m pretty sure none of those things you say about yourself are true. Depression can just make you believe the worst things about yourself. It was very kind of you to apologize, I think everyone just gets caught up in the moment sometimes.
Actually, it is all true. But, there we are.
yeah i am only 22 now so i know i don’t know much… but i have found in my experience that most people are a waste of space. that being said there are good people in this world, guess they are all under a rock, because i cant find them. or i cant relate to anyone… no, i cant relate…
Sorry, i don’t mean to detract from your post.