I’ve just realised how vague my previous post was, which may delay the process in receiving some form of helpful reply.
Ill try to put into words this feeling.
I can’t do anything right. No matter what I say or do or how I look. The phrase “no-once cares unless you’re pretty or dying” comes to mind. Of which only one applies to me, and I can certainly say that my appearance has had no positive impact on my life. I feel empty but at the same time I feel nothing, so really the question is – do I really feel anything at all? Am I forcing myself too because it’s easier than admitting I’m exactly how so many people perceive me to be; heartless? I don’t know. I’m not sure if I want to know. I feel like I’m helpless. I can’t tell anyone and even if I could; I don’t want a counsellor or medication. I don’t want to admit to needing that. I feel like there is nothing but blackness for me ahead of today. I’ve just finished my AS Level exams and now I’m waiting for my results. But honestly I don’t know if I care. I remember having the motivation to do well. It’s dissipated fast. There is nothing for me ahead of next year. Really there is nothing for me tomorrow. But that’s quite pessimistic in itself. Then again, aren’t we all pessimistic about our future?
Anyway.. This feeling. It’s extremely hard to dear one please understand this and bear with me. It’s like I’ve fallen down so many times, and one too many now because I can’t get back up. It’s like I’m constantly waiting for something to give me purpose because honestly I don’t believe anyone is here without reason (and no,I am in no way religious, I have certain faiths and beliefs but I don’t kno w what in). However I feel as though although everyone else has a purpose; I do not. I have no traits that make me stand out. I’m an average girl. Nothing makes me stand out and for that reason I am lost in a sea of averageness. I am nothing and although I accept that, it’s hard to see everyone else be something at the same time.
There are so many ways of trying to make people understand but I think that unless someone is going through the exact same thing, it’s hard to understand fully. I think that is why I find it so hard to describe now; I don’t believe that someone else is in the same circumstances.
5 comments
I doubt it’s true that you can’t do anything right.
‘No one cares unless you’re pretty or dying’.. well. People don’t really care regardless, even then, and well they can care if it benefits them in a way. So it’s not fully accurate. (Sorry for taking it literally and being technical :P)
I’m sure you look just fine, and at any case it’s a matter of taste (what is considered ‘pretty’) and it’s not everything.
Sometimes feeling nothing is a way to keep yourself from feeling a lot of different, strong feelings, or to protect yourself from feeling hurt. Sometimes it’s what depression makes you feel like.
It doesn’t make you heartless.
Why can’t you get yourself to try and talk to a counselor? Dealing with it alone is tough. They might be able to help. Doesn’t have to be with meds.
And yes, It’s very, very hard to understand unless you went through the same.
Looking for a purpose, losing hope, getting pessimistic about everything..
I get it.
That’s why i say it’s too tough to deal with alone.
I think what I meant by not being able to do anything right was that whenever I do something, even if whatever I did may please someone else – it never pleases me. I am never happy within myself in whatever I do. Oh don’t worry about taking it literally that was kind of the point I was going for – everyone is selfish in that I guess, or most people anyways haha, the ones who have no experience of these feelings. I didn’t mean to retain too much focus on appearances, I simply meant that through the normal ‘growing up’ stage, I lost all confidence, similar to that of all other girls my age. My point was that this loss does not seem to be going unlike the girls I know now. They’ve started to be happy with themselves and though I try my hardest I just can’t seem to find anything about myself I’m happy with. On the outside nor the inside for that matter.
Hm I guess, but I don’t like the numbness. It makes me feel like even more of an outsider than the rest. It’s usually an after effect of another strong emotion such as intense sadness or anger. My brain just suddenly decides to shut off – maybe you’re right in that the purpose of hat is to prevent myself from doing something.
It is hard alone – but anytime I try to tell someone, it’s shrugged off. As I’ve said my parents would never understand, and they would eventually find out if I got a counsellor or spoke to someone and that would not go down well. I really don’t know what to do. I’m trying to help myself but it seems the more I try the closer I get to giving up..
Thank you for replying anyways 🙂
Yeah most people are just selfish. It’s depressing.
I’m sure you don’t have a reason to dislike yourself, if you really think about it i’m sure you can find things you like about yourself.
Yeah the numbness is really tough to deal with.
If you can’t feel anything – nothing can hurt you. That’s why it happens after a strong feeling, a way to defend ourselves i guess.
I get that a lot too and it can really get in the way of things.
Parents usually never say anything useful except things that make you feel even worse and more guilty than you already do.
It’s worse to talk to them sometimes than to keep it to yourself and suffer alone. (because eventually they just make you feel bad then let you go deal with it alone again).
If you get a counselor they might overreact at first but if nothing else is an option maybe it’s worth the tiny struggle at the beginning. But i honestly wouldn’t know, i never tried that.
I know how tough it is. I really hope you’ll find a way and that things will get better for you really soon.
Your purpose is something you discover over the course of your life. You say no one else feels like you do? I often feel helpless- wonder what the heck am I to do?? One minute I have plans I want to get to and the next I feel there is no way I will do any of it and ask myself, why am I here again??
The thing is I didn’t use to have plans. Growing up I could not imagine life after HS. In my HS memory book, the space for plans for 5,10, 15 are all blank. I didn’t know what I wanted. Heck, I didn’t know you could have wishes and hopes.
What I am saying is many people feel lost and broken. You are not alone. But that doesn’t make it easy for you. I understand your not wanting to ask for help. Been there too.
But it can help. You can share as little or as much as you want with a counselor. You can ask for just a few sessions. It would give you support and that is important. You could give it a try later if you aren’t ready now.
One more thing. Take great care of you. Be kind to you. You’re going through a terrible time.
I hope you have a good week!
I suppose so but how am I supposed to know what to do now?
Oh no I didn’t mean no one feels like I do in that sense, I simply meant that maybe what I’m feeling might differ from how you or someone else may feel, depending on the corcumstances in which this feeling developed.
I know that feeling all too well yes – changing from wanting plans and people around me to wanting to just stay in all day and speak to no one. It’s confusing and I think that confusion is part of the problem.
Again, I’m not sure about a counsellor.. Maybe I’ll look into it at a later date.
Thank you for replying, and take of yourself too 🙂