i have felt this way for years

for a number of years i have felt depressed suicidal i lost mum i was 21 then after went on a downward spiral lost my partner my kids because things got out of control i lost mum and i was just a mess i lost everything i ever live for, but can never find an easy way i have taken many overdoses have self harmed and i agree with some people on here totally that for some of us there is no way out we cant change our mind frame we dont see a light at the end of the tunnel maybe i will keep doing what i do and one day it will work i dont know but i wish i could think of such an easy way because i cant keep up with the demons eating away in my head all the regret remorse and with no chance to put things right yes it seems selfish as i have kids but i would rather be dead than my kids seeing me suffer with all the regret guilt inside me eating away at me that i don’t know who i am anymore or why i even exist.