Howdy, ya’ll.
I’ve been reading on the site and commenting every now and again, but I’ve never posted. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while. They stem from a complete lack of meaning in my life. To be honest, things have been going relatively well, I just find no joy in much of anything anymore.
I attempted suicide earlier this year, but was brought to the hospital before anything too serious happened. What shook me the most was that I had no realization, no epiphany, like one often reads of. Instead, I’ve fallen further. What drove me to the edge were the psych meds I was on for manic depression. Military doctors aren’t the greatest. I spent 6 or 7 months completely numb to the world. It felt like a dream, a terrible one at that. The worst thing about a failed suicide attempt is the constant attention and lack of freedoms. I ended up in a psych ward for about a week, then an outpatient program for a month before I was allowed to go back to base and get back to work. The only reason I haven’t tried again since is that I’m not sure I can take the embarrassment that came with the first failure, if it worked out the same way again.
So, I’ve done nothing but lie since I’ve gotten out of the hospital. I’m not big on attention. Everyone that’s asked I’ve told I had a bad reaction to Prozac which caused me to try to kill myself. I’ve told everyone I’m doing extremely well. In reality, I’m not. It takes everything I have to show up to work and do my job well. I also went to see a new doctor and told him I was fine and the manic depression diagnoses was incorrect. I’m not sure what to think about that now. At least I’m not on meds anymore. I’ve been forcing myself to take a full course load on top of work, I feel like if I act like my old (more motivated) self, I’ll be left alone. All I can do in my free time is lay in bed. I can’t sleep. I feel empty. In all honestly, though, forcing myself to go to work and do well distracts me.
I’m just stuck. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
5 comments
I’m sorry you are feeling so empty. Depression is hard. Especially hard to get help when you need to do a job in the meantime. Sounds like you have few outlets to help you. Keep writing. Tell us how you are doing. We will listen and you can be honest here. We won’t judge.
I managed to close most of the outlets I’ve had. I don’t want to acknowledge these feelings, but pushing them away clearly hasn’t helped. Sadly, the mindset for fixing depression here is to medicate it away. That’s the last thing I want. Hell, I’m not sure what I want anymore. I just find it hard to feel lately, which isn’t fair to those around/close to me. I’ve been so distant and I’m sure people notice.
Thanks for the response, I really do appreciate it. I hope you’re doing well.
I am almost doing okay. ha I realized how right I am about my depression- that it is from my childhood, how it created this sad girl and she isolated herself due to not trusting people. Now, I am still picking up the pieces. I have health problems- heart problems I should say. It is scary. I feel pain near my heart. Don’t know if it is the muscles (hope!) or my heart.
It is ironic. If it were true, I wanted to die, why would I care if I have heart problems??
I am like you. I had to feel my depression. It is there for a reason. That reason was the pain deep inside me about how I was treated. I found some information about chronic depression and traumatic events. It helps to know it is not all in my head!
But still, I have to deal with not being employed, apt a mess, etc…
I applaud you for realizing how your behavior affects others and how important it is not understand your feelings. Right now, you have a lot going on and it may seem counterproductive to push the feelings away. But right now, maybe you need to. Give yourself some time until you can handle the feelings better. Get a handle on them as you can and tell yourself the things that you are unable to right now can wait.
We can only do so much in a moment. Keep writing here. And thanks for your kind words.
That’s no fun. I totally understand the health issue conundrum. I think it comes down to control. I don’t want to go unless I’m the deciding factor. Although, that certainly depends on the day.
I also have depressions that almost feel good. There’s nights I’ll sit, depressed as I’ve ever been and find some sort of solace in that. I suppose any kind of feeling is a good feeling.
I just don’t want to hurt those around me. My little sister is going through something similar. She’s talked of suicide and the thought kills me. At least at first, I can definitely sympathize, though.
Absolutely. Writing helps. Thanks for your kind words as well.
I get how depression can feel good. I often feel on edge, what is going to happen next kind of feeling— when depression takes over. Apathy takes over and I just don’t care. Depression is sure better than anxiety!
Then, there are the days that I sleep all day. I’ll have hit bottom with my depression and I can finally escape into sleep. I can’t do it if I’m telling myself that I want to escape! Just let me escape! My body says NO! But if I ease into it, I can.
I know this is the way I cope with fears and negative feelings. I recently found some information about treating chronic depression. I found a book listed at my library- Cognitive Behavioral Analysis System of Psychotherapy (CBASP): Treating chronic depression with disciplined personal involvement
What I understand about it is, that personal traumatic events/ situations causes a person to be deeply depressed and that the depression usually will not go away without treatment. This book describes how the person has to look at the events and understand them- exposure and delving into it what the problems are.
My first thought was- I was right! The emotional abuse from my family is the cause of my depression. The second thought- oh, that sounds so scary!
But doing it sounds better than living as I am now. And my goal is to get to a place that I can face this therapy.
Well, I go on and on here. I hope you have a good day!