Hi, I’m not an english native speaker, so sorry in advance for misspells or grammars errors.
I have a Borderline personality disorder.
I’m 28 years old and my life is a pain since when I was 10 or so.
I have huge social issues, I find hard to stay with people around without feeling really uncomfortable. I always felt really alone in my life.
Three years ago I knew this girl, let’s call her Giulia. She’s a very smart person which studies physics.
She is like a dream for me. She was not my first girlfriend, but I could feel that she was special. We were special. And she was my best friend too.
We were really connected, we have similar personality, we have common interests: science, mathematics, we like the same music and movies, we like to play videogames together, we like to cook… It seems that each one of us has found its special one. I was her dream and she was mine. We loved stay together for hours, something totally new for me. And finally I started to smile after a long long time (as said my mother). Oh, and she’s actually beautiful. Too beautiful for me. Really, perfect.
There was a difficult period a year and an half ago. I was for four months alone far away from her because my job (software developer), meanwhile my father was dying because a cancer. As you can understand the situation was very hard (especially for people like me).
After my father death, I returned in the same city with her and I felt really better, thanks to Giulia. We started to love each other even more, I assure you. It was like a love movie, everyone said that. Magical. I never felt this good. I was happy to live. This went on until a month ago. Now it’s over.
She went to UK for the master’s thesis for two months and after a while I went to her to stay together for ten days.
She was cold and nervous with me, we had good moments yeah, but something was wrong. When I come back, basically we broke up.
She doesn’t love me anymore because she’s tired of my jealousy.
The point is that I have this condition, BPD, that just made me act like a crazy paranoid.
Well, in a passive-aggressive fashion for the most part, but she just cannot take it anymore.
This feel of abandonment was present in our relationship for a long time. It was the only real problem for us. We fought different times for that (and only for that).
When she hung out for a party or with her friends I started to panic. I even cracked some her online account because I was afraid that she was cheating on me (she knows that). It was never the case; she just like to chat with people. And she was really in love with me, at the time, despite my jerkiness.
The whole point is that my life now is over.
With her I felt myself ALIVE, it was really beautiful to be loved and now I feel completely lost. We had plans, I changed my job to stay with her. Now, after three years, it’s all over.
I’ll never see her again and I feel empty.
I fear that she found another one too, but I cannot be sure because that could be the same paranoia.
I’m grateful to her, she was really kind with me, she had patience and a lot of love. I know is only my fault. I destroyed my life.
No it’s a month that I live alone, just smoking pot and drinking beer. It’s three days that I don’t eat anything. The problem is that I have not enough courage to kill myself.
I really want to, but every time I start to hanging myself I start to panic. It’s a shame.
Yes, I know. You would say that I have to just find another girl. Well, I’m not an ugly person but my social skills are terrible. But the real point is: where the heck I can find another Giulia?? She’s perfect for me, she’s the best human being I ever know. She’s my life and now I have NOTHING. I don’t even have someone to talk with.
I don’t want to suffer anymore. I don’t want to live with this fucking regret for my whole life. I don’t even have the strength to fight my life, to do something. I just wanna die.
5 comments
Hi gerios, this is terrible. I agree that you can’t simply find another girl like her. Some things cannot be replaced. Sometimes it’s true that there is only 1 perfect love, and maybe Giulia was it for you. But it’s not hopeless, is it? She is still alive and you are still alive, so I think it’s possible for you to be together again.
You already seem to know why it didn’t work (jealousy etc), so maybe you can prove to her that you will fix that. Maybe not now, not this month or this year, but this could be your motivation to work on your borderline personality disorder & paranoia and beat it. Become a new person and then find her again. I believe if it was true love, then she will want that. Don’t give up yet, my friend!
Hi Salt, thank you for your reply.
My great problem is actually the “hope”. Because I have hope, but it isn’t built on solid ground… Beside the normal fear about killing myself, my bigger issue is that I have that irrational hope to stay again with Giulia and live.
But she doesn’t love me anymore, her behavior changed a lot (it’s terrible when the person that loves you so much just stops and became emotionless about you) and maybe she already found a guy…
Anyway, yes. It worked like charm, and if something called as “true love” exists, well… that’s it. She was perfect for me and she used to think the same about me, but the problem is that she doesn’t think that anymore. Now she sees me as a faulty lover (and I cannot blame her for that, though).
Furthermore, she’s still in UK, she will return in three weeks or so, but in a couple of months she’s going to leave this country for her Ph.D…
We had planned to leave together. Start our lifes away from here (we don’t like this place).
It was supposed that we’re going to live together and be happy. Now she will leave alone and I will lose her forever.
I asked her another opportunity, I booked for a psychiatrist, I would try everything to be a better person. Because I need her and because she deserves a better person. I’m really ashamed of the things I did and – mostly – because I hurt psychologically her.
But to regain her love (if I would even able to achieve that) a long time is needed and there is no time.
Is it possible that she stopped loving you, just like that? I think she must still have some deep feelings for you, even if she has met someone else. But maybe you’re right… “hope” can be very cruel.
I don’t know if this will help, but I had a similar experience a long time ago with a girl… we’ll call her “X”. It was very special. But I was a mess, and eventually she left to live 3000 miles away. My way of coping was to imagine that I would meet X again one day, and I wanted to impress her. So I worked hard to become a better person, always thinking to myself “Wait until X sees me now!” Guess what, I never saw her again. But I did become a better person (a little bit). And I survived. I still miss her sometimes, but my life is different now.
So maybe you can do something like that? Don’t get your hopes up too much. But imagine that one day you will see her again. And it’ll be nice if she says to you “Wow, you have become a much better person.” Even if you don’t end up together in love again, wouldn’t that be a nice day?
> Is it possible that she stopped loving you, just like that?
> I think she must still have some deep feelings for you, even if she has met someone else.
It’s very hard to understand (and accept), but so it seems. She says that she still feels affection for me, but it’s not same thing. And she seems so different now. It feels like it doesn’t care at all and it hurts a lot.
I admire you for your reaction. I thought about something like that too, but I fear I will not be able to recollect the pieces of my life and go on.
I miss her so much and I cannot live with this regret. I will never forgive myself for that.
She said me that she will remain in UK until September, because now she wants to be focused only on her career.
She’s working hard, that’s true, but the real point is that she just realized that her life without me is better, in fact she’s having a really good time.
She made me feel loved, she made feel special. She saw some beauty in me, but eventually she understood that I’m just broken and useless.
I just want the strength to stop this fucking mess that is my life.
It’s like a bad bad dream. I just wanna die