fuck, i don’t know where to write. This is the only place i felt safe to write something down and make it public. I am sorry, I am not suicidal anymore. Life is way more sucky this way. I can’t let myself even fantasize about killing myself because now I am a bitter grown up person who is not selfish enough to allow myself those fantasies. But I am selfish. And my lazy, depressive and lost existence makes life difficult for people around me, just less difficult than it would be if I killed myself. So I am that much less selfish.
Some days are so unbearable. The ones when you hate everything and feel guilty for it. I wonder if that will change as my suicidality changed. I wonder where will I be in couple of years.
Couple of years is a nice period to notice some change. I like looking back at my life in sections, each lasting about 4 years. Last four sections I have been socially weird and slightly asocial and last two I have suffered from depression, getting worse by each year. Now, in the first year of my seventh section, I have finally accepted I have a problem. That problem is not depression, it is my relationship with myself. That is what has been driving me into denying I am depressed. That attitude causes so much trouble. I have become a person full of paradoxes. I want to call myself a walking paradox.
I’ve been reading some books by Erlend Loe. I like his style. I recommend it to anyone here, I think you might like it. I was amazed I liked his books since I don’t really like reading. I learnt that there is no need to constantly write long sentences to say what you mean as precisely as you can. Also, it is easier to think like he writes. My head feels lighter and my thoughts are not as confusing and loopy as they used to be.
Another thing I’ve learnt is that my problem is not being pessimistic. It is the pressure to change that about myself. Somewhere along our way we all hear optimism is good, it brings us slightly better chances at succeeding in life and it seems to be the right way to happiness. And pessimism brings us nothing. So with those information, we decide to change. Well, I say fuck that! If a person tends to think pessimistically, they shouldn’t change their nature, but make the world rich by being who they are.
Now i realized this pessimism topic comes up in my conversations about every few months. I guess I am still uncertain about what I think.
And I want to finish with something I wish everyone here would read.
Fuck the world around you! Do you know who you are? Do you know what you’re made of? You alone with yourself, that is the thing that matters! All the glitches in our brains are standing in the way of knowing ourselves. Every piece you manage to find is your biggest treasure. Love it for what it is!
Stay strong.
With love,
Andrea
8 comments
I wish I was like you
why is that?
There’s nothing selfish about fantasying about suicide, methinks.
i agree. but i have the blessing of being too serious about stuff, so that is what stops me from those fantasies. that and the thing that i am not willing to allow myself to commit suicide.
Also
“You alone with yourself, that is the thing that matters! ”
One doesn’t live in happiness by themself, so saying “you are the only thing that matters” is false.
😀 i need to hear some from someone that’s for sure.
i can say it, no doubt. you matter.
you deserve to love and appreciate yourself. unconditionally.
the world you live in reflects inside of you. we don’t know what is the real world around us, we just know what we perceive. so it is a part of us. i didn’t mean for people to isolate themselves and be alone, i meant they should take care of themselves first and not let the world dictate how they should be, live or feel. it will surely happen in some extent but it shouldn’t happen in a way that makes a person feel bad or violated. when you find a piece of yourself, you know a bit more what you want from the world. so the water around you seems a bit more clear.
also, i never said ”you are the ONLY thing that matters.”
I meant You are the most important thing to yourself.