Suicide & Therapy

I’ve been on this website for about a week now.

I’m in therapy.  I have been for numerous different reasons since I was 11, now 33.

I’ve told my therapist about being suicidal, that I have plans, that there are constant images at night, and I have access to guns.

Everything I’ve said is ignored.  I don’t talk to friends or family about any of this – because I’m the one that everyone depends on to help them with their issues (doesn’t help that all of them know my degree is in psychology).

I’ve started developing better assertiveness skills… but the suicide stuff won’t stop.

I’m seen as “being ok” during my meetings, but during the week – I’m so defeated and lonely.  I sometimes wish that I had “assignments” during the week but never have said that to him, because I have a feeling it would backfire.  I’m an emotional train waiting to crash and burn… at least that’s what it seems like.

Ethical reasons, he should be reporting my suicide stuff.  I don’t want him to, and I think he knows this as well.  A lot of times I’m venting, but anger is new to me… suicide isn’t, just the extent it has been so vividly in my thoughts and images so often.  He also knows about previous attempts – everything seems to be ignored.  Why the hell am I still going?  Sometimes, I often wonder that myself at this point.

I do so much better when I was able to email with him.  It became another chance to be “ok” during the week… but due to it becoming too much of therapy through emails, I basically stopped for the most part.