Trying to figure it all out

You know I always try to move on with my life I swear but the two guys i’ve ever had a relationship with turned out to be wrong for me. The first guy I eventually gave up and let go like I should have way before then. The moment I did that is when he came back into my life. Wanting me back trying to be there and being somewhat of a decent human being for once. I stupidly allowed him back into my life and that lasted for five months until I began to realize it was a mistake for both of us. I let go again and this time so did he and I hope that he never comes back looking for me. The second guy I realized after a year that this probably wasn’t a good thing for me and I eventually decided to remove myself from the relationship. I tried to stay in contact when he reached out but when he stopped so did I. I haven’t seen him in 6 months and it had been two months since we had spoken. I figured it ran its course and now it was time to go about life. Sure enough what happens he pops back into my life and I allow him the opportunity to communicate with me. I don’t understand why people won’t let me go when we know that there isn’t anything good between us. Just thought it was some messed up sign that the universe doesn’t like that I’m trying to better my life. Also I had cut most of my family out of my life the past two years almost. Well I have been to some funerals this year all unexpected deaths and it was truly sad and heart breaking. I’m not religious so it’s hard for me to picture an after life and instead I picture emptiness, nothingness and it is depressing. I thought about the people I loved dying and us never having spoken because I was too prideful to let shit go. I finally gave in and let them back in my life as my way of forgiving them. When they criticize me or say anything negative I ignore it and truly it doesn’t affect me. And it gives me peace to know that I forgive them and that they know I forgive them. But death is still a great struggle in my life as far as trying to understand it and accept it because I fear death. Then again I’m sure that most people are afraid of it anyways. Just some random rant I guess