It’s not like with my personality I can change for the better. I know I won’t. It’s not about needing sympathy here or looking for common grounds with people. It’s just to basically type it out because I rather random faceless strangers from the internet to know than the people I’m “close” to.
It all started last week that I mentioned in an older post. I lost my car due to bogus reasons, and then the next day I got drug tested from my job, in which I have been currently using narcotics. They sent the sample off to the lab due to a line not showing up and today I got the phone call that I have been terminated. Almost two years at a place I’ve worked hard at, and I’ve lost it all. It didn’t matter that I got an above standard on my year evaluation… all it mattered was I had a couple drugs in my system.. how badass is that? I am back to square one… I have nothing. I pretty much did this to myself though.
So here I lounge around the place in an Apathetic state of mind, finding ways to keep getting high because it’s the only thing I know that makes me feel better. Not being around my shady friends, or my judgmental family.. but something that makes me feel good for a few hours, that just makes me end up feeling like shit when I don’t have it.
I’ve come to the conclusion I am never going to get better. I’m not going to become “strong-willed”, I will just vicariously suck at life going from pointless job to pointless job, and settle into a below-standard lifestyle because I am too weak to care. I’m not going to change, and it’s not because I keep saying I won’t, it’s because I know myself.. better than anyone of course.
So here I am now, worse off than I was when I was on house arrest. It really blows when you don’t have it in you to just “end it.” The only thing I can think of is to try to mix drugs and alcohol in hopes it gives me enough courage to finally do it.. but even I know that’s very doubtful. Instead I will continue on pretending like everything will be okay, and that everything is okay.. when really.. it’s not. My insignificance needs to hurry and come to an end.
2 comments
I also sometimes reaches to the conclusion that I am never going to get better.
Hey man. That just plain sucks. I’m not going to try to convince you that it’ll magically get better because I quit believing in miracles when I was 7. But I did want to suggest, if you plan on wasting away anyway, why not have an adventure with it? It sounds like you don’t have anything tying you to your current life anymore, so why not throw all your crap in storage, hit the road and see how far you get before your car runs out of gas? Then get out and start walking. Try to make it to Rio or someplace interesting. The beauty of suicide is you can always do it somewhere else, some other time…