Hello everyone. I have been coming to this site on an off for several years now, anytime I was thinking about suicide. Reading the other stories helped me to feel that I was not alone. That I wasn’t the only lonely person in this world that didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. That I wasn’t the only self-loathing person that hated their existence and felt the need to apologize to everyone about it. I only ever indulged in reading though, never made an account or posted. It’s a tad narcissistic to just talk about oneself, so I never wanted to bother anybody with myself.
I have contemplated suicide several times in my life, and have attempted twice. Both with pills, never got farther than the hospital. I still sometimes feel the urges to kill myself, however I don’t because I know my mom will be destroyed if I do, and because I have no sure method of doing it. I suppose I wouldn’t mind pain, as long as I knew I would be dead.
I don’t really have friends, but I do have a girlfriend. I started getting to know her during my junior year of high school, lost tons of weight just for her, fell in love and finally confessed. That was over three years ago. Things are still okay between us, and while she says I can always talk to her about how I am feeling, I can’t get over the suspicions I have about her trustworthiness. Plus, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. We have fought a lot over the years, sometimes leading to a brief separation, and often I get offended by things that she says or does. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I am just messed up and too sensitive for no reason. I just don’t trust her anymore when she says she loves me. I don’t trust that she cares about me. We have never had sex, at first because of me but now her, and we hardly even make out anymore. I feel like she doesn’t love me anymore, even though she says she does.
When I went to college, I gained all my weight back and then some. I feel so fat and disgusting now. Maybe she would like me better if I was skinny again, but she says she wouldn’t. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth. She’s going with me to the same university, however she is thinking about transferring to a college closer to home next semester. I want her to do what is best for her, but I will miss her dearly, and I don’t think I’ll know what to do without her.
I hardly have any friends at college, just passing familiar people I guess, and I feel very out of place because I don’t drink, don’t party, don’t have money, and don’t have a car. Things were going well my first few semesters, but last semester was terrible. I handed in things so late and sometimes didn’t do assignments at all. Whenever I had free time I just sat around, watching movies/TV, playing video games, eating delivery, or watching porn and masturbating. Work just stressed me out, and I put it off until there was no time anymore. I just would become so panicked when I would try to do work. I know I am smart and capable of much more than I put out last semester, which makes me all the more angrier at my pathetic, lazy self. I shot my GPA down hard. I thought this summer would be different, doing an internship with a class component and taking an online course. Messed up on both not because I didn’t know the material, but just because I did things so late, or didn’t do them at all. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.
I worry that this behavior is just going to continue into next semester. I’ll try to function without my girlfriend with me, just a dorm building away, but I know it will be really hard. I thought about suicide so many times at that place, feeling so stressed and lonely, even with my girlfriend with me. I just don’t believe that she really gives a shit about me. I don’t know what to believe. Am I actually going to be able to function in this world? Why should I live for others? I don’t even know how to kill myself. If I had a good means of doing so, I might go through with it, but I can’t stop thinking about my mom. I love her a lot, and she just wouldn’t handle it. A comforting suicide note wouldn’t do much to compensate for my absence.
I sometimes wonder if the world would even miss me if I was gone. Would my girlfriend cry? I don’t feel like I matter at all, and I just got so fat and gross. I take meds, prozac and lamictal, but sometimes I don’t take them. I don’t even know if they help anymore. I’m not crying everyday huddled in my closet like I used to, but I don’t think I am even close to “well”.
I sorry for posting. I know my problems are barely minor ones compared to some of the stories I have read. I have more to say, but it doesn’t matter, and this post is going on a bit long. I hope everyone is okay here. I know how I feel about myself, but I know I don’t want anyone else to die. It makes me so sad to hear of such pain and awful circumstances. I’m not one of those people who says shit like “everyone is beautiful and worthwhile” or “just hang in there things will be better soon.” I have no way of knowing those things. Everything seems to point to the contrary actually. But, I still don’t want anyone to die, to feel so unhappy that nobody cares. I’m not even sure if I care, since I am fickle a lot. I might not care tomorrow. However, if anyone wants to talk to me, I promise I will talk back. Just talking to someone would help me a lot in the past, but I’m not saying that it will make you feel any better or less upset or sad. I could fuck you up even more. My email is parkerdave94@yahoo.