Hello – first post

It can’t hurt to post :). I’ve been suicidal now for a few months, and have come to accept it as where I am now rather than resist it. It has guided my decisions, I am off abroad to do wwoofing with someone that I have been in and out of relationship since I knew him. Truth is that only now that I am at my worst can I see his true beauty and see how much I love him. He loves me completely too but so much that it scares me cos I don’t feel I deserve him. He even loves me now when I’m depressed and suicidal, how is that possible?

I’ve told myself that this is my last shot to find some sort of inner peace and if it doesn’t work then I have done my best.

The last time I was suicidal for a prolonged period it led me on a spiritual journey. I discovered different alternative therapies, experimented with psychedelics etc. I started to believe in God, that God would answer my prayers and that angels were all around me. I came to realise now that this was just as much of an escape from reality as getting drunk or high. I was high on feeling on believing in divinity, on seeking transcendence, but it was like an addiction, I constantly needed a new fix and with time it stopped having the right effect.

With time I realised God and the angels don’t answer all your prayers, shit happens and you have no idea why and you can never truly know.

I ditched my spiritual understanding of the world and fell into the worst depression ever. Faith kept me alive. Now all I have is myself again and this cruel strange world.

All around me I see pain. I believe the current world is set up to turn us into slaves of the machine, giving money to fat cats whilst we have pocket money to enjoy in “free time”. I read Charles Eisensteins book ” ascent of humanity” which talks about this.

I’m therefore against money, against the machine, against the destruction of our beautiful earth and all of this causes me agony daily. I feel like I am carrying the world’s problems on my shoulders and don’t know to live my life in a way that expresses where I stand on them.

Wwoofing is my last hope. Find / build a community somewhere where we are in harmony with nature, not taking food from impoverished countries but growing our own, and enjoy life.

The issue is the depression which stops me so much in life. Its agony. Extreme anxiety and I can’t breathe and I’m so afraid I will fail to be able to do my part in the wwoofing role. Or that I won’t be able to enjoy it for some reason or another (manual work/ in a remote place/ new people etc) either and then… I’ve decided I can’t do anymore.

Also now if things don’t work out with my friend I will have lost all hope. I feel I shouldn’t put so much pressure on us being together but if he leaves me I know I will have nothing left. He literally has my life in his hands and I don’t think he is aware of this.

If I can’t find my place in the world then there is none…

Finally a place I can share honestly. Thank you for reading. X