I can’t go on

I just want to die today I’ve been hit with the most painful
Feelings, I can’t keep this up, I can’t keep feeling life is not going to get better. I would prefer to be dead. I can’t eat barely sleep, I’m so distressed I did yoga before and all I could think about was please let me end this. I’ve got no stability , no security, an addiction, one that won’t leave its grasps. I know the reason why I want to die is because of the addiction. But I have tried hundred of times to give up, I’ve been to countless rehabs , detoxs and my addiction has destroyed my life. I couldn’t work, I can’t begin to piece back my life. I was addicted to pain pills you get over the counter, and was functioning like that for years until I decided to give up work money and try and kick it once and for good . GUESS WHAT I couldn’t kick it I just got worse every time I got off I would go back due to horrible anxiety then I would try and try and try like 7 rehabs in two years and I would go back. Not only that I end up with a horrible man cause he rescued me and I ended with the worse self esteem than ever before. Today I cried last night I cried I really am not seeing any relief except killing myself I want it to end I’m out of answers. I’m a useless piece of shit ! I have helped thousands of people cause I was a social worker and now look at me. I hate myself I want to die and I’ve got to just get it over with. I hate myself that’s the issue I hate my life and most of my behaviours. I’m so alone and to look at me you’d have no idea what I’m going through. Its internal hell on earth. I can’t sleep all night then I can’t get up cause of no sleep which I think is stress and then I don’t eat any more I’m not hungry at all ! I have got chronic depression from having no life no stability. I’m really at a point that I don’t care if I die its the only way to make peace with myself . I’m too scared of telling people I want to end my life cause I’m scared they’ll say its attention ect. Any one else feel like this bad