I need out

I’m pissed because I saw this thing yesterday that makes it sound like some huge opportunity but it’s not. You need a bachelor’s degree and to pay for everything. So, not as desperate as they make themselves out to be for candidates. What it was, was an ad on the back of a card saying anyone with any experience can go be a school teacher in Vegas because they’re so desperate for teachers. Now I hate people so it wouldn’t be my first choice but I hate everything in my life and I want a change of scene. Then when I looked into it they’ll only consider a bachelor’s and you pay them for the stupid online training and have to relocate yourself. Hey here’s a hint, if someone who never considered teaching would drop everything to be a teacher because that would be a step up in life, chances are they’re not filthy rich enough to move on a whim if they are thinking, “hey, $20k/yr and a new city sounds great!” I have friends who are teachers I know how little teachers make. But I got excited because I could get out. I’ve gotten so close to a bachelor’s that I’m wondering if there’s anything I could do to fast track me to even a general bachelor’s. I’m fucking sick of being considered stupid anyway when I’ve made straught A’s in college. I got my associates but didn’t get to finish the last year of my bachelor’s because my grandma died and I lost my home and I’ve been homeless since. I would’ve had to find a different school anyway because it would have cost me $10,000 out of pocket for the final project which they said they wanted you to be burdened with paying for yourself so you get the real world experience of spending money like it’s water. Well I was too poor for that so I was looking for other schools and other degree programs anyway that I could just sneak in and finish off in a year. I’ve even thought about changing my name a second time because I’ve lived with this name for 3 years now and I feel like it’s as tarnished as my birth name and equated to “Loser”, “worthless”, “stupid”, etc. and I’m almost sick of it. I’d have to lose a ton of weight though, before changing my name again. I don’t want to always be known as a worthless, stupid piece of shit, good for nothing loser. I just want to be equal and as good as everybody else and be respected. I was thinking of using the name I’ve kept secret thinking that would only be used as my pen name if I ever got around to writing to books I’ve thought about all my life. I want things to change. I even feel close to admitting at work that all I think of is killing myself and I think everyone would be better off without me. And I’d like to end this misery and suffering too and not live an entire lifetime alone without friends and without love.