Knots in my stomach

That’s how I feel, every day. I hate holidays. I could go run around with the guy I like again, but I’m exhausted. I’ve basically been “partying all weekend” starting on Thursday – the day I had set to kill myself, but at least minute was given the ok to come hang out, and it’s not really my thing to run around like a teenager and party. On the other hand, one of the many things I’ve loved about him is that I feel younger with him. He’s 6 years younger than me, but he has the energy of a teenager and at 37, I feel about 57-97 at times. But I ran hard when I was young and did crazy shit, lots of drugs, etc. I burnt myself out on it by 21. And I just can’t do that every day these days. I do love him though and it drives me crazy, mostly the thought of him ending up hooking up with someone he just meets, when he knows how deeply I love him.. He’s just so picky in what he’ll accept. It is all about looks first with him. He’s beyond picky. I’m picky, but I go more by what type of person someone is. I like a certain type of personality/persona/how one carries themselves.  But we’ve been through it all, we’ve talked things out about how I feel and all, and I just have no chance in hell even though I’ve treated him better as a friend than anyone ever has. I’d give anything to know what it’s like to kiss someone I love just once. I’ve never had a romantic relationship in my life, so I’ve never felt loved, and I’ve never had anyone to give my affection to. And at this point of my life, being homeless again without hope… My credit is horrendous because I had so many credit cards that were stolen after I lost my home the last time. There’s no way in hell I can rent a place of my own. No one will rent me a room or be roommates with me because of what I look like and that’s the honest truth. The only person willing to rent with me is him, if we find a place he’d be allowed to live, which is so impossible to find, I’m afraid I’m failing and I just can’t do anything. I can’t keep staying with another friend because that’s a bad situation and there’s nowhere to sleep. At this point, I’d rather sleep on a park bench. I’m so done. I give up. I feel like I should get it over with, within the next few days, within a week, but I really doubt I’ll do it that soon. I feel so useless and worthless. And what’s the point of living without someone to love and adore and give everything to? There’s no sense in being homeless and hurting like this, knowing there’s just no hope at all for anything. There really is no hope.