I think its time I plan my demise.
I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have told many people that I am in fact planning to apply to grad school but in actuality I can’t imagine living another year. I think I would like to take my life on the day I told people that I would be applying. It wouldn’t look like I was planning anything but a happy fruitful impossible life and helps me keep up the illusion that I am able to function on a day to day basis as a typical human.
Enough hoping for my demise to come to me, that one day not wearing my seat belt will pay off or some kind stranger will put a merciful knife in me in the dark hours. If this is what I truly desire, my only wish, I must take it into my own hands.
So here it is in writing. My declaration of intent to die. I hope no one knows my suffering or catches any pain. My main regret: allowing people into my life before I am to take it.
3 comments
Why not try out grad school? I wish I’d gotten that far.
At times it’s not a bad idea trying something new before ending everything. I was decided to end it (had my method, date, everything set) and ended up studying as a last chance kind of thing. As of now it’s not really working out for me, but i have to recognize that surroundings do make an influence, and that might in turn cause needed changes (depending on what you are looking for).
It might or not work in your case, but considering that death is something so definitive giving it a try before checking out might not be so bad, for some people it works.
I think it’s a good idea. Plan your death. Do it and be realistic about it. Do all the necessary preparations. Get into it. Taste is. Smell it. Feel it. Roll around in it. Make it as real as you can.
Right now you just have this ‘idea’ that death is the answer.
I’ve read and chatted with people who have had near death experiences.f (there’s all kinds of youtube videos) I mean, they were technically dead, but they came back. They’ve been to the other side. Now, they’re so full of life and joy and enthusiasm for life.
You have to know exactly what you want before you choose it.