Tired of hiding behind everything. Lost all motivation. Trying hard not to give up. Haven’t shed a tear today which is a change. Still tired of this bipolar suicide shit. I’m suicidal.. Now I’m not.. Now I am again.. This is one crazy planet. Wait I’ll just check with myself again I now may not be suicidal. Lol
I know no one can help me even ssri’s give me serotonin syndrome after only a few short days being on them. Which suck because the first day or two being on them is good.
God did you screw up giving life to me with a mental disease or is it just tough love. Either suicide or toughen up and live out the rest of your sentence. Not sure which I’ll choose. Haven’t been diagnosed bipolar but I bet I am. The highs are good feel I can accomplish anything. Then the lows of how limited I am and have been dreaming of fixing my life for years but its tough doing so with a disease of the mind. Voices don’t relent up. Coping well then not coping well. Positive then negative. I hide my disease well but have arseholes that find out through the grapevine and tell all my friends then they hardly want to talk anymore. Not to mention I went manic dillusional on my Facebook a few years ago and everyone wondering what was wrong with me. Epic makes me even more suicidal. So now I basically have no friends. Illness and disease can cripple anyone.
I want to make a new start somewhere I’ll see with my illness. If I can hold down a job which I couldn’t when I was real sick I could begin to make friends. But I’m losing interest in that too. Like why have friends for. If I get sick or deluded I’ll just have to start over again. 30 something and living with my mum. None of my brothers talk to me. Ones a real are a yells schizo at me around people if he sees me in town. I just want to disappear or die not leaving a note telling them why either. Then I’ll be the sad story on Facebook. Why etc. I don’t even post on there anymore because everyone has turned their newsfeed off on me. Lol. I never understood suicide as a kid and had a friend do it and a relative do it. But I don’t see them as cowards I see them as brave and wanted a way out which is fair. I just hope if I go that way people will see me in that light.