So I experienced a massive cardiac episode two years ago last May. My arteries in my chest literally tore themselves apart. I was on the table for ten hours, I was cliniy dead for half an hour during that time, no brain activity, no machine, 42deg and dead.
It was nice, I have had major depression for more than ten years. I have horrible paranoia of my wife who is 2000 miles away and I can’t control these horrible emotional outbursts anymore. I am a horrible person sometimes and I can only sit in the back of my head and watch the pain it causes.
I am empty, my heart is mostly fake, so no one can say (think with your heart) they can’t tell me I’m selfish because even she is on mood stabilizers, had a horribly abusive five year relationship before me and I don’t even get two years to try to get help.
It needs to end, I’ll do it in a way she can get the money. I love her and I know this will only help her, she has so much going for her, and it’s not me.
i wish I had the strength to do it, the courage to cross over again. To be that peaceful and content
7 comments
Tomorrow
Alot of people are monsters when theyre around those closest to them, or vice versa(when they are seperated from them). I would say a very large majority of people fit that mold. Anything can happen. Anything can change in an instant…..are you implying the two of you are seperated by saying you dont even get two years?
I hope you dont do it. You must be around 20-50 if youve been married for two years, and she had a prior 5 year relationship. That makes me nervous because I feel you are more serious and capable of carrying it out. I hope you find peace and are content no matter what you do. I just hope you see the value in having the strength to carry on. We were made to suffer, and we wont be done till its our time to go. I know I can never truly attempt suicide again no matter how much I want to. Its the easy way out. This life is a series of trials molding you into what you need to be. Really sorry about being so preachy.
It’s ok, she just left me an hour ago
Plus she wants the truck back
God damn. Thats rough af. Im not gonna throw any cliches or preach. Im just gonna say Im sorry.
It sounds like you’re in a living hell right now. I’m so sorry you’re going through that. You’re in a horrific situation, so I hope that if more time goes by for you it’ll get more distant and easier. I wish I could help. Depression is hell enough without things like this happening, and vice versa.