Apparently, people care about me, apparently I should be happy, apparently, I have lots of friends now.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…
Since I finished school last year, only one of my ‘friends’ is thoughtful enough to talk to me just because… and no one else actually cares, I never get invited to anything, I’m always the last to know anything, that is, if I find out to begin with, even among people like me, I’m not particularly welcome, but when they need me for something, I’m a dick if I say no, and when I need them, they always bail or half-ass it, because I’m simply not worth it.
I’m just not worth the effort to them, but I still have no right to be sad.
I should be happy, because they aren’t calling me a retard or a ****** anymore, at least they don’t think I’m an absolute creep, they aren’t beating me up, they aren’t telling me to go kill myself, they aren’t making me say and do stupid things so they’ll finally be friends with me.
Why is that?
I think I know: It’s because I’m absolutely fucking spineless, I’ve learned to stop expressing myself, I’ve learned to not expect anything from them, even if they’re supposed to be my friends, I just can’t bring myself to impose on anyone, who needs me being weird, who needs my ‘depression bullshit’, who needs my gender issues?
They’ve forgotten about me, therefore, they’ve forgotten why they hated me.
But the thing is, I can’t afford to be me to begin with, I mean, if I come out to my family, it’ll throw my life and their lives into total disarray, I don’t want to hurt them, and I don’t want to risk getting hurt by them, it’d be a whole lot easier if I just implode in on myself and leave some bullshit note, one that gives them a perfectly acceptable, ‘normal’ reason for killing myself, because it would ruin them to know that they couldn’t even conceive a child properly.
But then again, why should I care? Honestly, they say I shouldn’t hate myself, then they proceed to take every single opportunity to put me down, even the most trivial things, my hair, my photography, music, politics, anything and everything… the basic point is always the same: I’m always wrong, alone, and I should be ashamed of myself.
Everyone talks about compassion, very few people, if any, actually have it in them.
3 comments
If ‘friends’ you currently have treat you like that, you’re bad if you say no, they’re there only when they need favors, they’re never really caring when you need them – they’re not really worth dealing with.
Get some better friends to hang around with, these aren’t friends.
Everyone has the right be feel sad. You don’t need any special ‘right’ or to be treated completely bad and get verbal abuse to have feelings and allow yourself to be hurt over things.
If they are there only for the good parts and ditch you on the bad parts – you can’t call them friends.
Friends aren’t only for laughing and hanging out and you SHOULD be able to talk to them about issues you’re having and have them comfort you, which i’m sure you would be willing to do for them in return.
Maybe you shouldn’t come out to your family because of the trouble it might cause, but keeping all these things to yourself is pretty painful.
You should be able to at least reach out to someone else, and if your friends aren’t there for you it’s probably time to find better ones.
You really shouldn’t hate yourself and there’s no reason for you to be ashamed.
You shouldn’t hate yourself – but not because of what others say or do but because you’re a unique person on your own and just because you have an issue or two doesn’t make you a bad person.
People always feel the need to mock others and how they look or what they like in order to feel like they’re better, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you.
Talk is cheap – People can say compassion, that they’re friends, that they’re there for you – but never mean any of it.
But it should be the same when they say bad things and try to mock you as an easy way to make themselves feel better.
You messed up the front page of the website with all the “hahahaha’s” would you please be able to edit that? Thanks.
It may seem like that you have been foresaken by your friends but if you take my advice and use just one of your sleepless nights to think about it you might just realise that it is you who has secluded yourself from them.Trust me i went throught the same thing.Hang out with friends or you will go down the same way i did…………moving towards substance addiction with each passing day………….Hang out with friends and be active on social media.