I am so dissatisfied with my life. So much that if a natural disaster occurred to kill me or someone murdered me, I would probably be okay. I don’t want to commit suicide, or I guess I can’t. I’m too scared. I’ve thought about cutting, but I think about the pain and how I have to bring a knife to my skin, and I just can’t. I feel so stressed. I have so many dreams and goals that I want to achieve, but I know that my dreams are just dreams and that reality will catch up sooner or later. Reality that I’m not smart, or that I can’t play sports, that I’m not one of the teacher’s favorites. I don’t even have a best friend that I could rely on for these problems. I hold everything in. I’ve tried talking to one friend because we were on the subject, but she told me that she went through the exact same problems, and that I should just wait them out. I felt like a baby and so sad when I heard that. I thought that she would at least try to cheer me up, or just listen.
I guess you could call me pessimistic or a realist, but it’s true. If you work hard, sure, things might work out. But the world is changing, to one where money and status are key. I’m sorry to say this, and I understand if you want to think differently, but to me, this was taught by my parents, my church members, everyone around me. I don’t really like my parents. I can’t say that I hate them, or that I wish that they would disappear because I need the support, and orphans can’t exactly get by in the world. They never keep their promises. My mom makes false statements. A month ago, she said that I could finally quit piano if I was stressing out because of it so much. I was, I felt like burning my piano down because of it. It’s not the first time my mom never followed through on what she said, but I thought that since she knew I was hating it so much, and since she had a plan and everything, this time it would come true. I was a fool. My dad is what you would call a coward with no common sense. I don’t know how else to explain it. I have fun with him. I laugh, I play games, and I don’t think about my troubles, but then I go home and try to sleep.
This happens a lot. I hang out with my friends or family. I have a great time and I feel like nothing can change, and that my depression won’t be able to knock me down. Then night comes. My demons come out and my angels hide. I feel lonely, and I feel like no one needs me. I think what if everyone would’ve had a better time without me? Why did I do that? Why didn’t I say this instead? Why couldn’t I be like her/him? Why? And I spend the night on here reading posts and crying myself to sleep. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have any other options than to hold on and keep pushing through, but sometimes, I’m just tired. Tired of everything, tired of people, tired of myself, of the future. And I just want to die. As I said before, sometimes I wish that a murderer, an earthquake, a tornado, robbers, a car, anything would come and that I could die from a “natural” cause.
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Realistically speaking, if that were to happen to you, you would NOT be okay. You’d be dead or in critical condition. If you were trying to say that you’d (probably) be mentally okay with those ideas, then I understand. I would be too.
It’s the same with me as well, I can’t bring myself to my own death. It’s instincts, the fear of pain and so on that is mixed in with our desire to die that is causing the inner conflict. Don’t feel discouraged, your dreams can be reality, depending on whether they’re far-fetched. It’s in your reach if it’s academics and whatnot, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I recently got my results from my exams and they were awful, but not a complete failure. I’ve been turned away several times now, and I’m still going to keep pressing on until I find a place somewhere. It’s difficult being in this position, since my reasoning and feelings are in a deadlock and I’m not sure of what to do next.
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hypocritical of me to advise anyone this, seeing that I do it myself, so I’m not one to talk. Whenever I’m in that defeatist mindset, I try to feel neutral about it. Not being particularly good at anything doesn’t matter, what matters right now is sorting out how you feel. I made my well-being my priority, and the rest can come later because in order for the rest to work out, I need to sort out the causes which bring about the effects. That being your attitude towards what you want to achieve. At the moment, it appears that your thoughts have been clouded by pessimism. I don’t know you at all, but there is most likely something that you excel at that may have been disregarded because of your values or something else.
Pessimism is not the same as being realistic, I’d say being realistic is the middle ground between the two. By the two, I mean optimism and pessimism.
Waiting them out is not addressing the problem. It’s more like avoidance. Time does not always heal. I’ve ‘waited’ for a long time to recover, and the day has not come. There are people who adapt to living like this for the rest of their lives. Waiting them out could mean waiting until death. That is why it is important to address the problems as soon as possible, before they get worse. Mine has taken its toll and I’ve only gotten worse over time.
Not everyone is willing to lend you their support, unfortunately. Some are at a loss, not knowing how to help you or not wanting to help you to avoid any conflict. Even if they volunteer to, their support might not be enough. Words alone might not be enough. They are merely platitudes, not solutions. This is speaking from my own experience, and not for others. What doesn’t work for me may work for others, vice versa.
Some things don’t go to plan, and if you really hate it, you have to voice up. She didn’t follow it through on what she said? Make her follow it through. The way you’re talking about it now, you need to tell her that. She’s the one who can get you out of it.
I’ve never been too fond of my family either, but I embrace the fact that they’ve taken care of me all these years, despite there being certain aspects that I will never like about them.
The night is the best time for the brooding side to come out, where it is dark and you are literally alone in silence. It’s much easier to immerse yourself into negative thoughts when you’re not bothered or distracted by anyone.
The questions that come to mind stem from your depression. People do not concern themselves over whether they need you or not unless they are trying to gain something with your help. Those are the people you should avoid, they exploit others.
You being there for everyone is enough.
I don’t think about whether someone is useful to me or not, I am content that they are there, and that is all that matters to me. I don’t think of how useful I am unless I’m cooperating with others in doing something productive. Even then, it does not matter. Showing effort counts. People appreciate that.
‘What if everyone would’ve had a better time without me?’ should not be a concern. We do not know for certain whether everyone would’ve had a better time or not without you being there. The fact remains unchanged: you were there and they had their time. The possibility of them having a better or worse time without you should not concern the present you. It has already happened. That became history.
If you keep thinking in the past and considering possibilities for the past, it will break you. It already has.
The least I could do is speak and listen to you, if you’d like. I’m in the same position, and I’ve nowhere to turn to other than here, like you.