Homeless but not Vanless

Well I convinced my mum to get a one bedroom place and a cheap one has popped up and on the other note I bought a people mover diesel van where the seats fold down swivel around into a bed. I have decided I can live like a camper for a while which comes with added responsibilities and room for struggle of loneliness and growth who knows I might meet some great people or tourists on my ventures.

I plan to get a gas cooker, tinned food, rice water etc and live cheaply around the country for a while I might even be able to save some money. Just pop in to camp sites for a friendly chat and shower and clean clothes.

It sounds pretty exciting I’ll even kindle a few good reads on the net. First I have to service and change the cambelt of this thing and do the oil seals. There can be seasonal work at times but I can easily get a certificate to show I’m unfit for work. A radio the internet and a phone and I can still stay in touch with the world.

I have chosen this because I have been extremely suicidal lately and the voices have been pushing me around a bit. It maybe a bit of a relief to actually get out and be pretty self sufficient. My psychiatrist will be referring me to a gp soon too as they feel I’m getting better but knows about how sick and schizophrenic I can become if I work full time which I know sounds pathetic but if anyone has ever been super delusional and not slept for 3dayz and not even sleeping pills work its insane. So I’m trying to do the best I can I would like to be a mobile mechanic someday and fix cars for a few days a week but then trying to find a company to employ me just for a few days a week sounds pathetic until I’m competent to fix them all by myself.

Then I became all grandiose the other day and thought if I did become a mechanic I could do volunteer work for special citizens who can’t afford like one day a week.

I’m trying to not suicide badly from going from having an awesome stable life and job and marriage to mental health and losing everything and now living out of a van and starting over again. Just this time a little more awakened and the veil pretty much removed from this world and the next.

Time screws with me as I have always rushed and wanted things asap but I will take my time now. Anyways I’m pretty excited to be on my own, even if ones dreams and life has been shattered by mental health and pretty much lost all hope I’ll see if I can at least live and at least try to live a life that will dig me out of depression and suicide. Instead of compulsively thinking of suicide I can compulsively think of fixing cars and helping others. Hope I’m not being all grandiose on anyone.  Just want to fuck my x wife fuck all my friends that don’t chat to me because I became dillusional on Facebook and fuck my brothers for not even having the decency to chat with me. 🙂