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Reality.

by whereismyescape

I really hate the word reality. I hate when my mom storms in to my room and tells me that lying in bed and taking naps all the time isn’t reality. She tells me I have to get up and sometimes I feel like I can’t. I don’t want to and it would be heaven if I could stay in my bedroom forever. It’s my safe place and I feel like no one can hurt me here. Today my mom came in to my room and she told me I had to start working on my summer reading project for school. School is probably the biggest source of anxiety for me. Last year I couldn’t go to the last two weeks of school because I was so afraid. And that book and its assignment are a symbol of school so of course I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t do it. For the past 4 days or so (idk it’s all kind of a blur) she has been on my back about this project. Every day she gets more irritated with me and she finally almost broke completely today. So after she told me I had to read, I kept saying no and that it makes my anxiety worse and she can’t understand. Then after repeatedly telling me to get out of bed and do my shit, she took all of my stuff (phone, laptop). That meant I couldn’t escape reality through music and funny Instagram posts that make me smile as well as SP. At least I still had my bed. Until she got so fed up with me and had tears in her eyes. Then she went on a rant (like me right now lol) about how she has anxiety too and this is her weekend and she wants to have fun, not busy making sure I’m doing my homework and that I’m not sad. That annoyed me because she’s my mom. She shouldn’t tell me about this she should tell her therapist because it just makes me feel guilty and gives me more anxiety because I’m hurting someone. But it also was relieving because it was something different than being yelled at. She kept almost crying and bugging me to get out of bed and go on a walk with her if I wasn’t going to do homework. I said no and curled up in my bed. Then she kept saying “Pleeassse!!” and almost crying and my only response was to laugh. Not at her but the situation of my life right now. I’m a depressed and anxious teenager with a brother who has found his way into my horrid life of depression and anxiety too. So not only my brother and I are depressed and anxious, but my mom has anxiety too. Plus my dad is a narcissist (we don’t live with him, parents divorced, he’s a grade-A asshole) to add on to our fucked up lives. Please excuse my language it’s a problem sometimes. Eventually I did get out of bed and we went for a walk and then she lectured me on how it’s not abnormal for girls my age to feel the way I do. That sort of pissed me off because it makes me feel weak that everyone else goes about life normally but I have to miss several weeks of school because I’m not mentally stable. So I never did my homework and school starts in 2 days. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to go or if I’ll be excused from my assignment somehow because of my anxiety. I’m sort of numb right now but I’m worried I’ll break down tomorrow night before I sleep with the thought of school the next day. I’ll be heading back to reality. Ugh. I’m afraid and I don’t really know what to do. I would be so psyched though if my mom would let me do online school. Anyway I’m kinda worried to see how my emotions will play out tomorrow. I didn’t really mean for this to turn out very long but it did, grrr. Sorry and thanks for taking the time to read this if you did.

 

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Trix 8/31/2015 - 5:41 am

Hi whereismyescape 🙂

I don’t know how old you are but I had similar experiences with school (and my mum) when I was in high school. I think she’s trying hard to help you, but the problem isn’t really you not doing your work or not going out – it’s that you have anxiety and depression in the first place. They can be dealt with, which would make school much easier to cope with. I went through long phases of being terrified of school… it was like a living nightmare. It IS normal to have anxiety or depression as a teen or young person, but that doesn’t mean you should just be expected to live with it. Some people only get it mildly, but others get it much more severely for much longer. You deserve to get some real help for it… and you don’t deserve to feel guilty.

whereismyescape 8/31/2015 - 4:28 pm

Thank you for your reply. I’ve been depressed for about 3 years and anxious (about school especially) as long as i can remember. I’m in high school and I am on medication for depression and anxiety. I am also in therapy but it doesn’t always help. My life seems to get worse and worse even with the help of drugs and a therapist.

Trix 8/31/2015 - 4:45 pm

It doesn’t sound like the meds are working much? As for therapy, there are all kinds of therapies, mind/relaxation techniques etc. There are so many different techniques out there to help depression and anxiety, so don’t think that if the ones you’re doing don’t work then nothing will. You could maybe look some up them up online. I don’t know if it’s what you’re doing, but I never found talking therapy helpful, even though it’s one of the standard treatments for depression and anxiety.

whereismyescape 9/1/2015 - 1:15 am

thank you that really helped. This is what my boyfriend said too and I’ll look in to different kinds of therapy. Thanks.

martin1996 8/31/2015 - 10:40 am

Sometimes it’s hard for people to understand, it took my mam a good while to acknowledge what was going on with me and the fact that I have depression,anxiety and borderline personality disorder really ate her up inside. She got me help but she hated seeing me the way I was and not being able to snap me out of it. I tried to refused to exist but I couldn’t go on forever like that. I needed some tough love and as guilty as she might make you feel she’s just trying to help and she’s right. Please try and take things one step at a time and with regards with your school work you’d be surprised what you can do when you chip away at something.

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