I posted my thoughts about this a few months ago and still come back to them…. It is not that I want to die, but it is that I just want to disappear from the world around me and from myself. I would no longer have too deal with the things that bother me, and in time, anyone who would miss me will get past it…. As for disappearing from myself, I just want to be in a permanent sleep state…..That would be wonderful…. I tend to visit good memories in my sleep and I hope that would be the case……….
The idea of disappearing from things has been with me for at least 45 or so years of my current 54 years……. I had a family member with depression and alcohol problems (my mother) and she always talked about suicide for attention. I can remember one Christmas when I was 13 or so and I remember her saying ” do you know what I want to do? Kill me!!” as I look on that now, my thought is how dare she say that to me. When my own thoughts of not being here by my own doing started to develop I never made it an attention getter… I did try to ask for help before it got there but I never was stupid about it. Yeah I got help, a couple weeks in a hospital that was like a country club, got some direction and moved on. However, the underlying thought was still with me…..
Well, I am now at the point where I do not know what I want to do. I was hoping my deteriorating health would take care of it but I guess it is not fast enough. What can I do to disappear now?
I wrote this 5 years ago..Things did get better…. For a while, but now I seem to have cycled back to the same place. Luckily I am a wimp when it comes to pain and fear so I have not been able to think of a plan that would actually work. I do not want to do an “attention getter”. I just want to disappear from everything