Even when I was on the brink of killing myself, when all I wanted to do was rip my skin apart and die, I never missed an assignment, or failed to sit through a two-hour-long lecture, even when I couldn’t breathe because of panic attacks. I never once missed a training session or a competition even though I could not stop coughing because of pneumonia. Even when I was burning at a high fever, I never even thought about my own health when I was staying up late to type an essay. I didn’t mind driving myself crazy wondering whether or not my essay was good enough, or even think about being happy, as long as my GPA stayed at 4.2.
And this is what is wrong with the education system. They are telling us that for the rest of our lives, they are going to mostly be decided by the grades that we get in the four years of high school. They’re telling us that they’re going to test and evaluate us at something none of us want to learn, and many can’t without difficulty. It’s testing a monkey on how to swim, and when it fails, telling the monkey that it’s never going to be successful.
What’s wrong is that students are now afraid of going to the counselor or talking to an adult because they might mention it to colleges, or job interviews, and everything will be ruined. Instead, we sit here with bleeding wrists, keeping the pain to ourselves, just to have another chance at a life that we don’t even want.
4 comments
I was in Advanced Placement College courses in high school. My GPA was a 3.8. And I was severely depressed and wanted to kill myself everyday because nothing was ever good enough. But of course, I kept at least a low A in every class. They don’t care if you’re wanting to kill yourself, as long as you’re still breathing and handing in assignments, they could care less about you. I have never once been able to enjoy life because I’ve always been afraid of becoming “worthless.”
This world’s priorities are fucked up.
I understand where you’re coming from completely. It’s why I gave up on school and…myself. My home life was in the toilet and special attention was always given to a select few. I was shamed by my teachers and peers and I ended up crying almost everyday at school. I remember once an elementary school teacher made us answer all the times tables from 1 to 12 in 2 minutes. I froze and had a panic attack (probably one of my first.)
You’re very strong, you should know that. Your efforts will not go unnoticed, but you’re human and you have emotions that need to be expressed. I hope you’ll be able to take care of yourself and get the help you need without judgement.
What if you took a semester off or a year off and went back? School, it doesn’t really matter when you do it does it? Or could you go to a different school?