Anyone else feel guilt knowing what you’re going to do to others? Of course most people aren’t backed into a corner like I am… but it’s hitting me a little bit here and a little bit there.
- One of my bosses had a friend die yesterday. With my death coming soon, I feel bad for inevitably making her cry.
- For everyone at my jobs, for letting them down, being such a disappointment and a waste of time, money, energy, training and resources. I’m sorry I can’t go on being homeless.
- My kid. Yes, I have one out there who will be 17 next month. It’s her decision after she’s 18 if she wants to try to find me, but I just feel kind of sad I never knew her or saw her face beyond birth.
- Connected to the 2nd one, the ripple effect. I wish I hadn’t gotten so involved in nonprofits and made my face and known to so many. I hope it doesn’t negatively affect the operations of either NFP I worked for….
3 comments
I’m sorry to hear of your living situation. I never realised the extent of your involvement in non-profit organisations. You and your contributions are valuable and no doubt appreciated.
Living arrangement-wise, have you spoken with people who you work with at your organisations? Maybe this is something you’ve already tried but if not, it might be worth it?
Unfortunately there is no hope.for housing in chicago. The people in my organizations have worked in other organizations before forming their own and they know the flaws first hand.
Whenever I have contemplated suicide, these same types of thoughts have run through my own head. I have known people who have taken their own life and I have known people who have known people who have. Whether you are directly connected to the deceased, or connected through some degrees of separation, the aftermath of a suicide is usually pretty heavy and it gets people thinking.
I can honestly say that I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say anything even remotely close to #2 like, “Wow – we really wasted our time and effort on that one!” Usually it’s more the opposite. Did we not spend enough time and resources on them!? Did our relationship somehow (whether personally or professionally) have some sort of missing component that may have made things different for this person???
I do think that deeply considering the emotional consequences that your departure will have on others is an important consideration. Every action we take that can affect others should be carefully considered. Being nice to the grocery clerk, being mean to our secretary, giving a present to someone or stealing something from someone else, whatever we do, has consequences. When considering our own departure from this world, the ‘consequences’ may be over for us but this very final action can have enormous and varied consequences on those we leave behind. Your child may take this particularly hard. While she may not know you now, taking your own life could leave her spending the rest of her life thinking, “…had I just reached out a little sooner, would it have made a difference?”
The title of your post is ‘Guilt’ and maybe guilt is a good thing when we think about ending our lives. When we take an action that has negative consequences, it is sometimes guilt that brings us to our senses and motivates us to make things right. Once you’ve ended your life, it’s over. There is no guilt to be had and no reconciliations to make. So, perhaps feeling a little guilt ahead of the action is the right there, here. Maybe it will remind you that even if you don’t feel like your life has value, when you look at your life from the perspective of how its end could so deeply or widely effect others, it clearly does have some value.