No Reason

I’m new here..and I just desperately need to type this out with the anonymity that comes with the internet. I’m so..very tired. I’m not sure what’s wrong. Since I was little..maybe 7 I became withdrawn. Depression rose and finally last year when I was 24 I finally collapsed when the anxiety decided to come out full blown. My mother took to immediate care once she found me 4 times curled up sobbing for no reason. By that time I had taken off work, my grades were garbage, I had stopped eating, stopped everything but lay in bed and cry. My father says it’s in my head and I just need to exercise and get over it. He complains about me taking medicines and doctors fees even with insurance. What if he is right? So..why. I haven’t lived through anything traumatic ..not compared to all these people. Why do I want to die. Why can’t I just not screw one thing up in my life. Why do I let people use me and expect the outcome to change ? I feel so disconnected,  so lost. I can’t see a future for myself . I have a b.a, I work, I vollunteer..yet deep down I know my core is rotten . But am I really so bad a person to deserve this endless torment?  I don’t want to be a burden on them..myou friends..family…so I try to play it off as a joke..this constant feeling of being watched, jumping everything I hear my father or mothers voice through the wall, pressing my face so hard into the pillow I can’t breath. Haha, right? I feel..bad they feel bad for me..this sick feeling in my stomach that let me hide all of this for twenty years. My doctor gave up..sent me to a new one. It’s been a year and even the xanax doesn’t help anymore. The anti depressants might as well be skittles . I’m losing this battle and I don’t think I even care . I’m so scared of physical pain but..then again I’m scared of everything. It’s been a year and I cant stop crying again and there is no reason.