I don’t know what I am going to write. I am very acutely aware of everything that happens in me. That’s my property, that’s my specialty. What I am incapable of is- changing it. Life is hell for person who knows he is a hypocrite. The loops and spirals this reflecting produces. An endless blame game. Yeah, I did it. I left this goddamned city one morning and went to the place from where Himalayas start. There they were, vast, majestic. Fuck it’s too embarrassing to even tell what happened next. I came back. Yes, I FUCKING CAME BACK. The loneliness that dawned to me, The absolute reality of an absolutely real moment, The naked realization of just how how alone I am, the moment I set my feet out of that bus. EVERYTHING went away – my hates, my desires, all my dreams that I was harboring all these years.
Why do I suffer? I was thinking about all this today. If there is only cause and effect and nothing else, we should be like machines. Flowing in this cause-effect cycle without explicit, separate feelings (I mean, there should be feelings but not feeling of feelings). Who am I and why do this I suffer? Who am I amid these discreet, dead laws of nature? There is something wrong somewhere. And to be frank, I am asking this question only because I am suffering. I am fucking suffering and I can’t find its cause, I can’t find my enemy and there is no end to this suffering. I am not here to experience blissful moments I just want this suffering to logically end (i.e., not end in feelings but end in theory). The various causes I was thinking till now in outside world were all false, my running away and coming back showed me.
Why is there suffering? Why I suffer? Alright there is cause and effect, but why “I” suffer because of that? What did I do? And “I” don’t even exist, according to science, buddhism and even simple logic following. Then why is there this fundamental, permanent feeling of something not being right a.k.a. suffering. And it will keep me driving, even if I don’t exist on paper.
The best/only thing one can do in this situation is sit with hands folded. That’s the only thing one can do with dignity when the fundamental unchangeable laws of nature put you such hopeless situation. But the problem with that is that I will be suffering all the same even with hands folded.
And I, as a third person, can’t even change these endless causes-and-effects that produce this suffering. At least not without getting involved. And involvement is the whole point. If I had that much power and will to change direction of life according to my will then I wouldn’t be here bitching and blaming laws of life. I have hated life as it is since the beginning and that’s precisely why I am here today.
All questions and no answer. Tomorrow will all be the same.
3 comments
It sounds like you think too much. Actually it sounds like you’ve been thinking too much for a long time.
The more you know, the harder it is to be happy.
It’s been my experience that hypocrites sleep very soundly. Many seem to confuse the plurality of voices we are each composed of with character defects. Human consciousness developed in fits and starts. There are many competing drives in our animal nature that our brains now have awarded the gift of speech.
Supposedly we should have control over this circus. Supposedly we should be able to choose which voices we listen to. In practice it seems it isn’t so.
It’s amazing to think that a monk in the Hymalian mountains can gain such wisdom by self reflection while we, locked in our echoing rooms, only get worse.
Thinking too much? Possibly
I definitely feel like I have this problem as well but how does anyone really escape it? Seems to happen regardless, rinse and repeat.