This is my current muddled understanding of my situation.
A part of my brain (we’ll call it the emotional part) constantly tells me that something is wrong. I am not what I should be. I do not relate well socially. I do not have social status. I do not have real friends. I do not have a mate. I do not have children. I do not anticipate this changing. This is a problem, apparently.
Why is this a problem? The only reasons I can give are evolutionary – that my brain is a product of a process that elevates those who can maintain good social standing, relate well to their group, and reproduce.
So anyway, it’s a problem. It’s not something I can just shrug off. It demands change. I must take action, and change both myself and my circumstances in order to be at peace.
Except another part of my brain (we’ll call it the analytical part) can’t see it happening. Can’t see me ever being at ease enough around other people to relate normally, or function well enough to build a good life. Can’t see me ever having anything to offer anyone.
So it recommends giving up – on life in general. ‘Face it, it’s never going to happen. May as well save yourself the trouble.’ It refuses to put itself through more aggravation for a purpose it knows is delusional.
But the emotional part won’t give up, no matter how much rational argument it faces. It overwhelms any other motivation or feeling.
So my mind is essentially a constant argument between a whiny, petulant toddler, screaming at the top of his lungs because he’s not getting what he wants, and an exhausted, bitter old man trying to explain that what he wants isn’t real, and even if it was, he wouldn’t want it once he had it.
3 comments
I guess most of us will go through this process someday (been there quite a few times). The part you call the emotional part tho… have you considered that it could be highly influenced by what is expected from you, instead of what you really want? if it is, then you could try finding a compromise between the two, as in doing some of the things that your emotional part demands but not all of them. Even if you do end up going all the way eventually, a gradual change is always easier than an abrupt one (for most people, surely there are exceptions).
Also, the “it’s never going to happen argument” is debatable. Even if you have everything completely figured out and it makes sense in a rational, analytical way, life has proven time over time that plans and situation analysis are highly bound to fail or change over time. You have people curing from cancer over night (with no explanation whatsoever), nations being wrecked over time, heck, the other day we had an earthquake over here and it killed 12+ people… so you never really know what’s coming even if you have analyzed everything.
The emotional part of me could definitely have been partially shaped by expectations I’ve picked up from society, the media etc. The problem is, I don’t think there is anything I really want beyond that. There is no ‘real, authentic me’. That’s as deep as it goes. There is nothing else to motivate me beyond that if I try to give it up.
I try to find a compromise between the conflicting parts, but it doesn’t really satisfy any of them.
Obviously I can’t predict the future. Maybe everything will magically work out. I just can’t imagine how – it seems so vastly unlikely that it’s not worth it for the analytical part of me. And in the mean time, there’s nothing I can tell the emotional part of me to shut it up – ‘wait for a miracle’ just doesn’t cut it.
Great description of how this happens. I try to stir up some hope that my life may still actually have a future, but then the critical voice pops up to remind me that nothing has gone my way so far, and it’s unlikely at this point that I can suddenly manifest friends and a career and everything else I need.