I’m tired of feeling like this every day. I keep waiting for the right time, that will hurt my family the least. In between birthdays. Far away from home. I wish it was simpler, that I could make my choice and fuck all the consequences. But I have this huge guilt about leaving my friends and family, especially my brothers and my mom.
I have had many failed attempts and this has hurt my family. I want to ensure everything is successful next time. I think obsessively about methods and timing, around 10-30 times a day. I’m on anti depressants but they don’t help. The only thing that helps me forgot and helps me sleep is xanax but I’m already taking too much.
I am tired of feeling like I am living in a dream. I am tired of crying constantly. I am tired of being belittled for my composure at work — if only they knew it was actually life or death. I am tired of being treated like I am worthless, knowing that I am worthless. I am nothing.
My life has been mostly sadness and anger. I have been abused both as a child and as an adult. I’m 22 now and don’t see life getting any better. Everything – money, clothes, house – is so material. I want to return to the earth, to a more peaceful time. I’m tired of these thoughts haunting me. I just want it all to be over. I want to be done with it.
4 comments
Bro, other than feeling tired and difficulty to fall asleep without Xanax, do you have any physical/health issues?
My heart is bleeding for you 🙁 …
Is there anyway i can soften your pain?
It will never be easy for your family. there is never an easy time. What do you think can be done to help you?
You do indeed sound exhausted. I find it impossible to move forward, when exhausted.
If nothing else, bath well, not in the shower but in a deep hot perfumed bath? Warm yourself to your very bones? Like an all over hug?
Then eat well, sleep better? Tiz what I am attempting at the moment, with no energy left even to think about death.