We’ve (I’ve) Got Issues

June 27, 2015 at 6:15 AM

 

From: Kathryn Marie Hunter (Me)

To: Rick and Maggie Hunter (My parents)

 

This letter may come as a surprise to you, but I assure that it was a long time coming. Before this past week, I didn’t have the support to do this, but now I’m surrounded by people willing to help. This isn’t to upset you, but rather to give you a rude awakening.

 

The Katy you know is not the real one. The real me has hidden from you since 3rd grade, and has stayed in hiding until now. You have not noticed this, as you believe fallacies, and deny the hard cold truth.

 

Since 3rd grade, you have chosen to think that I am and will be who you want me to be. When I was at Glenwood and told you about the troubles medically and emotionally that I was having, you chose to pretend it was no big deal, that I was simply a kid and couldn’t be taken seriously. You treated me as a project or property, not as a person. This continued into my time at Woodmont, when I would come home with tears running down my cheeks, telling you about the torment and isolation I experienced. You just kept telling me to “rub some dirt on it” or that whatever I was feeling wasn’t real. What you didn’t realize was that I was alone, can’t mused, bullied, and depressed. I couldn’t even go through a day without thinking “what’s wrong with me” or “what would happen if I just weren’t here anymore”, and you never noticed. I told you and tried to reach out to you but you constantly turned me away, so I tried to cope on my own. At such a young age it’s important to nurture and connect to a kid, and I never felt any connection with you or your family. Things got much more worse, and as the years went by I felt more and more secluded from the world. I tried to get away as much as possible, to pretend everything was okay, as you do, but I never could convince myself enough to be ignorant enough to think I was happy.

 

When high school started, I could barely function. It was painfully hard to get up and have to deal with another day, and during school I would have anxiety and panic attacks, which made it hard for me to truly connect with any of my new classmates. It was a miracle when I started to make friends, and I felt a little lighter knowing I didn’t have to be trapped in the house, that I could go to a friends house and escape the verbal abuse and constant antagonizing from you, mom, and the constant sinking feeling in my stomach when I ran to you dad, for help and was brushed off and rejected, claiming that it was no big deal. One day this torment was so bad, I couldn’t handle it; I left the house and started walking, no shoes and no specific plan, but I knew that I had to get out of there. My regret that day is that I didn’t keep walking, but turned around and came back. Another, I called up Alexis and asked her for help. When I went to her house for those few days, it wasn’t me supporting her, but the other way around. You chose not to notice how I’d changed; the once loving and open daughter you had had turned into a closed off and secretive person. You never truly knew who I was, because you drove me away. When someone is put through that kind of constant emotional distress, it can make them do crazy things. What held me together was the thought that I would get out; that someday I’d be free.

 

When senior year came around, I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel: my soon release from the family. But, when I became ill and diagnosed with my disorder, all hope disappeared as I felt your all too familiar claws digging into me once again. I had become your project again, and everything was about fixing me. You never stopped to think that maybe it wasn’t me who needed the fixing all this time, but it was you.

 

Even when I asked for extra help and the doctors said I needed it, you brushed it off, not caring how I felt or what could actually help me. I never wanted to be on all this medicine; I wanted to try the other things the doctors recommended before putting chemical after chemical into my body. Even when The doctors and I constantly pushed for a different route, you were determined to ignore me, not wanting to put forth the extra effort to help me in a more positive and long term way.

 

When I realized that I was right back where I started, I fell back into a depression. I didn’t want to wake up, to go to school, to see or deal with anyone, especially not you. I would go to bed and wake up, not caring that I did the same the next day. I didn’t see a future, especially not one that I wanted or thought I could have. When this happened you didn’t even bat an eyelash. It’s funny, because when Mr. Wilson tasked us with writing an essay from Into the Wild, I found that fining a subject and writing the material was far too easy. I’d felt so certain, so secure in the fact that I knew what I was talking about, that I was so familiar with the story of Chris McCandless and how he left to go to the wild to separate himself from his family. At first I thought it was due to having read it before, but then it dawned on me that it was actually because I knew exactly how he felt; what he had to deal with. Like Chris’ parents, you focus on money and having a good image by putting up a front that everything is perfect, and trying to cover your wrongs with presents and buying things. In reality, Chris suffered abused both physical and verbal abuse from his parents. While I didn’t have to deal with physical abuse, I dealt with plenty enough mental abuse from you to make up for it. Even now, when Mercedes barks crude comments at me and I repeat the demeaning comments back to you, you chose to brush it off. I completely understand Chris McCandless, as I feel as though we’re are almost one and he same. It’s no wonder he went to Alaska, away from his family, in search for himself and happiness, since he was never given the proper support and nurturing as a kid from his parents.

 

I have never approved of your lifestyle: pretend the bad stuff isn’t there, that everything is fine, and deny anyone who tries to bring up the fact that it’s not. It is clear that our family has issues, and yet no one seems to admit it, let alone try to do anything about them. I have chosen to refuse to follow in your footsteps, to pretend that all is okay. I done with having to hide and act how you want me to; I refuse to let you hold me back from myself any longer. I want to make it clear that this is my choice: not Opas, not my friends, not anybody’s else’s, but mine.

 

I will not be coming home after Europe. Whether or not I ever return is up to you. To clarify: whether or not we have a relationship is up to you. If you chose to deny any of what I’ve said above, if you choose to remain the same and refuse to change, I don’t know if I will be able to try and rebuild our relationship. This is my final plea to you. After this, I will refuse to try to conform to what you want me to be, to keep asking for help and trying to connect and being turned away time and time again, each time feeling like less and less of a person. Take as long as you need to come to terms with this or no time at all. I do hope that we may be able to come to terms and have an understanding, but whatever happens, I will be ready for the outcome of your response either way.

 

I’ve decided now to discontinue this toxic relationship because it is just that: toxic. It has affected me and my health, and has most likely add more hardships and issues to my disorder. I truly believe I developed most of these physical issues due to the emotional stress that I’ve been put through throughout the years. When going into college, I need a positive support group that will help me to achieve my dreams and not to belittle them. I need people around me that make me happy, and understand and value the same things that I do including that knowing money is not the way to happiness.

 

I still plan to attend college as scheduled/intended. Even though I am almost 18, it will be hard to try and push my medical decisions through. I do intend to make my own choices when it comes to college and my health, but it is important for me to know if you will choose to support me so I can make proper arrangements either way.

 

From now on, it’s a new page, and it could be a new beginning or an end. Admittedly, it will be hard for me to try to build a relationship, as it is difficult for me to even be around you due to my disappointment in your negligence. However, I am willing to try to make anew if you do the same.

July 27, 2015 at 9:10 AM

 

From: Rick Hunter

To: Kathryn Hunter

 

Dear Katy,

 

Yes, your letter was a surprise. I hope that you will be willing to discuss what you’ve said when you get back because I think we have a different perspective on how things have gone and I hope that you will be willing to consider that.

 

In the meantime, you need to know that we love you and will always do so. Notwithstanding our faults as parents, our intentions have always been to provide you with the support and options to do what you want.

 

Please let me know what you want to do. I would prefer to pick you up when you get back so that we can talk about this right away. But if your intention is to go live somewhere else immediately, please tell me what you want me to do and when we can talk as soon as possible.

 

I hope you know that we are open and willing to talk about anything with you, we really want the best for you.

 

Please write back right away if you can.

 

Love, Dad

July 27, 2015 at 11:01 AM

 

From: Maggie Hunter

To: Kathryn Hunter

 

I just want you to know I love you more than you could know or possibly understand.

 

Mom

 

July 27, 2015 at 6:13 PM

From: Uncle Tom

To: Kathryn Hunter

 

Kate,

PLEASE contact your parents… They / we are frantic with concern for what you are feeling.

If you can’t call them, call me or Aunt Mary , or Ms. Lynn …

We love you princess and are very concerned…