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It’s funny looking at my older posts. Such illusion yet such passion. I can now pretty clearly see the illusions I was in. Of course at that time I couldn’t see them, but that’s how life has always been with me – a game of hide-n-seek where the thing you’re looking for is right inside you. What amazes me is the passion with which I was seeking.  I no longer suffer from the things I was so terribly suffering from then. But that passion is also gone.

This letting go thing is pretty heavy with me these days. I am recalling that conversation from Matrix when Neo goes into simulated matrix with Morpheus first time after waking up. Morpheus is explaining things to Neo and says ,”We don’t allow people to wake up before reaching a certain age because they have trouble letting go.” I think I was having this trouble. Now past doesn’t matter much anymore. Neither do present. Though I’m far from feeling fulfilled.

It requires a certain strength to create meaning when you can’t find one. Since I grew weary of searching I decided to create instead – it requires a certain strength to do that. It requires a purpose and a will to live.

To fill this hollowness- how can that be done? I think it is this hollowness that people fill with God, love, alcohol, purpose, passion, the so-called ‘something to die for’. It gives strength to this fundamentally weak human. Why is this the course of things? Which scheme does it fit in?

Anyway I am rambling. I am not suffering that much these days, so I don’t think I have any right to write here. Sorry.