It takes a lot of courage to end your suffering
and even more courage to live through it
…. unfortunately, I have the courage for neither
Hello, everyone. First post here. Found this site about a week ago, and have been reading quite many posts since then. Maybe I should introduce myself… I am a man, just below 40, living in one of the Scandinavian countries. My life has been ok overall, aside for some suicide thoughts in my late teens, but I guess I was never serious about it then. Up until early august, my life has been fine, until it crashed completely. Even the day before it crashed, I was thinking that “Everything is quite good!”. And then, something happened. Something that I see now was unavoidable, and for the most part (if not all) my own fault.
Three months have soon passed since that dreadful moment, and I do not feel one trace of a hope. I see no joy in anything, every day is just a gray haze passing by, I am just watching the days go by, and when I try to get some hours of sleep every night I wish so much I will not wake up. It is all strange really, how one thing can affect you that much, especially thinking that other aspects of my life are quite ok. I am healthy. I look ok. I am not broke (if not having a lot of money either). I have the support of mother and father and sister, I have friends to talk to. But I could never guess how utterly devastated I would become from this that has passed. None of these other aspects matters a bit in the big scheme, they all pale in comparision to the hell I feel and have felt every single day since early august. I am a broken puzzle made of glass, with pieces as thin as leaves. I have no way at all out of this, I cannot find the key, I am at the bottom of a chasm with broken legs, blindfolded, trying to look for a key which I have no idea where to find. I am really stumbling in the dark and it doesn’t get better and I have realised the last weeks that it will not become better. I can in no way stand the thought of living another 40 or so years feeling like this – even if the pain might (or might not) lessen a tad bit over time. The opportunity and feelings wasted is simply overwhelming.
Some would call it weak, and I would not disagree. But what some people handle with ease, other cannot handle, and vice versa. For me, this is a situation that I cannot handle. I do not want to die, but I do not want to feel like this, and the only solution as I see it is the final sleep. The worst part of it all is that I do not know if I have the courage to end my life. It is not about wanting to stay in this world, nor fear of what’s beyond (I am not religious, I am an agnostic if anything). It’s just that the concept of throwing myself in front of a train (which I think might be the only way for me) does not seem that appealing to me. I do not want to die, I just want escape from the heartache and pain and suffering I constantly feel. Therapists would be of no use, trust me. Anitdepressants? Maybe, I do not know, and I do not care enough to try. My final day is not imminent, I have told myself I will suffer through a couple of more weeks or even months, but if the situation does not change, there is no way I can live like this. It is out of the question.
Oh, I’ve tried. I’ve tried letting the sorrow engulf me in order to “get it out”. I’ve tried “doing things” to keep me distracted. I’ve talked to friends and family (and one professional one time) about my feelings and my problem. I have no problem speaking about the situation in order to see aspects that I haven’t seen. I do not *want* to feel like this, after all. I’ve tried excercising. I’ve tried “rest”. I’ve tried to bury myself in work. I’ve tried to find things to look forward to. I’ve tried to “close off” my feelings. I’ve tried to be alone. I’ve tried to be in company. But every single day, 75% of the time since it happened, it is all I can think about. The nights gets me no rest from the demons that haunt me. What little hours I sleep are hacked up in portions, and every time I wake up, the first thing I think about instantly is my situation, which makes it near impossible to fall back asleep. I am amazed that my physical health hasn’t yet been that much affected from the immense lack of sleep. As for my mental health, I fear. I really fear I am losing my mind, constantly picking my mind about what has happened and how things are now. There is nothing I can do about it, and I do realise that to some extent, and I keep telling myself I have to put what has happened behind me since I cannot change the situation about it. But that doesn’t help either. Even what few times at night when I try to sleep I can feel my mind a tad tiny bit at ease at time, it seems my heart itself remembers and will not let me forget since it keeps pounding hard and loud and echoes in my ears.
But I digress. I guess my main question is: where do you find the courage to end your life? My lack of courage is not because I want to live or have hopes that things will get better (well, I HOPE, but have no hope for it, so to speak). I do not know where my lack of courage comes from. Of course my mother and father and sister would be devastated, I know this. But that is not enough to keep me here and my lack of courage haven’t got anything to do with that. Why do I lack courage, and where can I find it? As I said, my final demise is not imminent. Even though the pain indeed is unbearable in the long run, I can and will suffer through at least a couple of weeks. Probably at least a month or two. I need to let this decision, if that is what it is, sink in. I need to think what I need to do before (aside from goodbye-letters, are there really anything you really need to do?).
9 comments
Hi…welcome to SP. I am sorry to hear of your situation. You said you thought antidepressants might work but don’t care enough to try them. Yet you have tried so many other things. Maybe reconsider? This site is more about support and trying to help you find ways to survive, not ways to die. If you want to talk more we will certainly listen. Its a great, supportive community here and I hope you stay awhile.
Thankyou for the answer. Well…. I know what antidepressants are about and what they do. They will make an unedurable hardship maybe and almost durable while you take them. And if indeed I would eat them and be in a place I want to be, get through this, after a month or whatever – I would do that. The thing is that they do not change the situation and hand, and since the situation cannot be change, I find it impossible to change my feelings about it – and thus, the antidepressants would only be prolonging the process which seem inevitable at the moment (without a change in the situation, which I am unable to make).
Hope we can see more posts from you.. but yes, I agree that I am here to say “Stay alive”. I do know how difficult it is to think living is a thing not well enough to do.
Since, as you mentioned, it takes courage both to endure hardship and to end one’s life, I wonder if it comes down more to will – whether the will to live is stronger or the will to die. Of course, our natural survival instinct plays a part too.
Since you did not specify what happened, I can’t offer any advice. I will just say this: sometimes things improve more with time then we believe they will, and sometimes an unexpected solution pops up even after months or years.
Well.. it’s about love. The story is very long and very sorrowfilled, and there are so many more aspects to it that makes it worse than just a “regular” separation, if there are such a thing.
Hullo.
I find it interesting that you say you don’t care enough to try something like anti-depressants, which could change things, yet you also say that if things don’t change you will end your life. Unfortunately, circumstances rarely change without conscious effort. And therapists/talking and medication aren’t the only actual treatment options one can pursue, or the ‘methods’ you’ve tried to put it out of your mind.
I’m sorry this event had such a traumatic impact on you. But you can’t know it won’t get better. It’s been three months, three absolute miserable months granted, but still a relatively small amount of time.
Please don’t jump in front of a train. Conductors don’t deserve guilt because you want to die. For courage, go see the Wizard of Oz, he seemed to help the Lion. Maybe set up a will if you haven’t done so, given your age.
Shards,
What happened? anyways the lack of courage is do to the fact you don’t want to die, your not ready, so you must keep trying to live, otherwise you will stay in a state of limbo, you need to change those dark thoughts, and fight!!! staying in limbo accomplishes nothing.
Going to sleep for the last time is not easy, it’s perhaps one of the hardest decisions a person can make and this is the last place anyone would point fingers and call people cowards. But if you still want to live, why even think about it? I think it’s a good thing you gave yourself that time to wait. I gave myself a year and then I went 2 more months overtime because I couldn’t muster enough strength. When I was just about to finally do it, things changed by themselves and not even a fortune teller would expect it. I’m not saying it will be the same for you. I don’t know how will it turn out for you. Nobody can promise you it will get better, but it may be better to wait, especially if you still have the will to live, even if not under current conditions. This site helped me a great deal and not just because of direct support from people, but also by finding others with whom I could relate and simply reading how they deal with their black dogs, similar to my specific one. I hope you will find people you can relate to, that it will help you cope with pain and that you will get better in that given time, even if just by a little. Often there is no treatment, but sometimes it can be manageable and sometimes it just fades away.
You may find the courage to live among the community here.