I’m axious about life in general. Not in a bad way so much as, I never in a million years thought I would live this long! I grew up thinking I’d be dead by 20. I had a kid that I gave up in a private adoption at that point. Tomorrow is her 17th burthday. One more year and it’s legal to have contact, that is, if we find each other. I never thought I’d be alive when she turns 18. Which means I have to survive another year. I can’t believe I’m still alive on this day to see her 17th birthday arrive. She is in my thoughts lately only because I hope she has a normal life and a future ahead of her. I didn’t want to raise her on welfare, for her to be made fun of and hated for being poor and inevitably fat. So let some rich people raise her with the discipline to keep her thin and give her the best clothes so she isn’t public enemy #1 like I was. I hope she has a normal life but at the same time I hope she’s like me and doesn’t take people’s shit or take things at face value, that she’s smart and questions and analyzes everything she’s told to blindly believe just like I do. I really hope she’s doing good.
My jobs are driving me crazy mostly my first job because it’s like pulling teeth to get enough hours. I need 15 hours to make rent each week and guess what, they only got me to 12 this week so I’m fucked. I need more than that because I need a bus pass every week too. My service will get cut off from my WV phone that is my back up for this phone that a friend pays for. I don’t have $30 to keep my WV phone on or the $40 to get more needles so I’m off of my testosterone and have no idea if I will ever get to take it again. All the other transguys I know are skinny so they get to take it IM which uses a giant horse needle I don’t have the balls to get stabbed with. Fat people like me are forced to go the slow route and take it subQ with a tiny insulin sized needle. So no one has those to give me. But back to my first job.. they really stress me out. I know they have tried to work with me to a degree. The guy that does their finances said they could afford to give me 24 hrs a week easy but they want to only ‘guarantee’ me 12 hours. I say that because I only have 1 hour a day of tasks I can do on my own and the rest depends on them to send me stuff to proofread, check links, etc. And they have been mad at me a lot lately over small things. I feel like they have snapped over stuff I wasn’t told but was expected to know anyway, and I’ve been argued with more over the stock images we use lately because I have a creative mind and I don’t pick the same image my boss would pick or crop it the same way he would, so there’s a lot of back and forth and “come on now you should know how to do this”. My roommate agrees most clients aren’t going to have design skills and biotch over the image or cropping I use as long as it fits in with their blog post topic. So I just feel like I’m not trusted and even at risk of losing the job. When they had promised several months ago that I’d have 30 hours and be full time soon after that. The only problem with my second job is they are only a year old and funding is shaky which means getting paid is 50/50 and not guaranteed. So I can’t rely on either. But seeing as how in the second job we are just the owner, three bosses and me the only employee, they’re going to be counting on me to step up and figure out how to make this business and organization really succeed and grow to where we can all be secure. Yes even the owner is broke. I like the responsibility because I want to feel like I own something and am a part of something and am not just a low down expendable employee that can be cut off. But at the same time I need to keep a roof over my head and have transportation and be able to get and take my meds and it’s a bit overwhelming to bang my head against the wall trying to think how do we get more people interested in our job training and get more people to donate and sponsor us??? I just want a stable income and not to be in such chaos.
My back is KILLING ME sleeping on the damn floor too. All I have is a futon mattress that is only 1/3rd as thick as the one I had back home so it’s really like sleeping on a gym mat. I’ve never been in so much pain.
1 comment
Your story just goes to show how unfair Capitalism can be. I’m 50/50 on it, I think we need a good mix of Capitalism and Socialism like we have in Canada…but there has to be a better way. It’s fucking bullshit that people have to work so hard, just for survival while the top 1% to 5% own all the fucking wealth.
Anyways, if I was in your shoes, I’d seriously be considering going on social assistance if you have any in your State. Otherwise get creative-think of moving in with someone, anyone that you can live with and vice versa.
In the meantime, start looking for a better job. The conflict you mentioned at work can probably get your in trouble. Make suggestions without being emotional or offensive, but always let your manager win. If you’ve befriended most of your managers as I have, then they’ll be that much easier to get along and work with.
Look for any job that gives you stability and decent hours, don’t live by the seat of your pants, I’ve lived on razor’s edge-I mean in terms of money, living tightly and it’s a dangerous place to be. I learned very quickly to set aside a few thousand dollars for emergencies and never touch it unless you really need to.
As for your daughter hope you find her again. Just keep looking. Regarding your futon, get a proper mattress-if you damage your health in any way, you won’t be able to work and then you’ll be in a bigger hell-hole than you can imagine. I’ve experienced some serious health issues, including back pain and sciatica. I lost thousands of dollars due to calling in sick-fortunately my managers were generally supportive so they didn’t suggest I leave as they’ve done to some other people.
Not to mention the extreme pain I experienced. My health is good now-still have some moderate issues but nothing serious or that affects me going to work.
Lastly regarding your ts transition-I know hormones are essential but you might have to put that aside for now. Look up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs-it can be instructive. Put your survival first, rent/food and everything else is second. You can always go back to transitioning later when your situation has improved.
As for the phone-I use a VOIP phone/landline and only pay about $60 for one year ($5/mth), plus there’s dirt cheap pay/go plans here (in Canada) like through 7-11. Just find creative ways to cut your costs and live leaner until your income is good.
I’ve been there-like you, scraping by-you’ll get through it, just fight harder than you ever did before and you’ll look back and be proud of yourself for pulling through. I haven’t reached my plateau yet, I’m resting halfway up my mountain-but I’m in a good place now compared to where I was 5 years ago. Just keep going-you might even start to enjoy life again as I have on some of my better days. Granted the last few days were bad for me but things are looking much better now.